(Hannah, Lily and Erin at the Virginia Living Museum two weeks ago.)
This morning was rough. When Lil got up, Brien went in and got her and brought her in to snuggle with us for a few minutes. Typically, she is a squirmy worm, trying to get away and get into LOADS of mischief. Today, she just laid there with us and snuggled. It was fantastic, but of course, it reminded me of all the morning snuggles we had with Han. I didn't manage to eat breakfast this morning as I had no appetite and in fact felt rather ill. Instead, I sat on the couch and read all the comments on my blog which made me feel SO good! So many people making positive changes in their lives due to Monkey! I then began to check out the other blogs out there dedicated to the Monk.
Before I knew it, I was sucked in, spending far more time on the computer than I ever intended. I realized that if I'm not careful, this could become an easy escape for me and that I'll get lost in the internet. So, I'm limiting myself to the computer just two times a day for now. I'll log on in the morning, first thing, and then again in the evening before bedtime. As I've said before, I'm more than a bit of a mouse potato and this will be good for me. I found myself sitting there, morose and not quite knowing what to do with myself. What is normal anymore? My mom is a godsend, and is planning on staying here as long as we need her. On some levels I think I may need her here forever and yet, Brien and I need to make our way on our own. I told her as much this evening. As I told her, it's not unlike when Hannah was born. She was our first baby, we were scared and didn't know what to do and things were so easy when the other grown-ups were around. But, they had to leave and we had to learn how to be a family with Hannah.
Now, Hannah is gone and things are so much easier with the grown-ups around. But, they have to leave so we can learn how to be a family without Hannah. Both scenarios were/are quite terrifying, yet must be faced. Brien and I must know we can do this on our own. However, that's not to say that I want Mom to leave. I know she has things she must do at home, but I want her to come back fairly quickly as I know I'm using her as a safety net. Brien's brother Josh and his wife, Dana, arrived today and Dani, Robin, Jess, Bob and Ella, and Joe continue to be a HUGE support (oh, Mom and Dad too!). And yet, they too will need to continue living their own lives as well.
Brien, Mom, Dad and I all went around to look at all the flowers Hannah received and to determine who sent them. It was wonderful to look and to smell and to surround myself with the beauty of them. Hannah would have LOVED them, especially the two arrangements that had glittery flowers! Who knew they could make flowers glitter?!? We then decided we needed to share such a bounty with others.
We took an enormous load of flowers to both the local Hospice House and to the hospital ER, as well as to our local vet's office. Vet's office? Yes, you see, they all loved Hannah so dearly they actually closed the office yesterday so they could all attend, leaving only one person behind to answer the phones. The trip to Hospice House was lovely. B's Granny stayed there two weeks in July of 2005. The nurses there are truly angels on Earth and we wanted to share Hannah's beautiful flowers with them, as well as with the patients in the house.
While we were there, I looked into information on bereavement counseling and found Compassionate Friends. They are a support group for parents who have lost children and they meet every second Monday. Mom and Dad are already lined up to watch Lily August 13.
The second stop of the day was much harder to make. As I had written before, Hannah's stay at the hospital was wonderful due in no small part to the wonderful nursing staff. Only Hannah could make a stay in the hospital seem like a trip to the resort and these fine ladies indulged her to the MAX! We had a GORGEOUS spray of sunflowers (so so beautiful!) I wanted to share with the Short Stay nursing staff, and I had a couple of sprays I wanted to give to the ER staff as well. As we walked in, I was delighted to see Rachel, one of the nurses (and, a truly wonderful friend whom I met through Jessie, whom she met through a Mom's board--gotta LOVE the internet!) walking towards us. She walked with us to Short Stay where I got to thank Heather (a day nurse) for all she had done for Han. I was told a picture Hannah had drawn for them, which they had taped to the front of their nurses' station, was going to be framed and hung. How much would Hannah have loved that?? Rachel also wanted us to see some of the nurses who were so deeply touched by Hannah last Thursday so we had an opportunity to thank them for everything and to share a touch of Hannah's beauty with them. It felt good!
Walking back into that hospital and that ER was tough, but I'm glad I did it. I have one more milestone under my belt than I had before. I had a nice little chat with Rachel (everyone always asks how I'm doing and really, I don't know I how I'm doing) about my current state of mind and body.
My good friend Kathy called this morning to check in and told me she thinks I'm strong and that I won't crash, that this is most definitely going to be a long and arduous road for me, but that she thinks I'm going to make it through. As I was mentioning this to Rachel she said, "Kind of like a fall down the stairs, not a fall from a cliff." Yes, that exactly. I'm going to try and post some pictures and a Lily update during my morning check in, because boy do I have some stuff to share. :o)
This evening was beautiful and cool with a nice low humidity so we sat on the back deck in the dark watching the fireflies and listening to the sounds of the crickets chirruping and the frogs and toads singing. It was all so very peaceful.