Lily has recently become terrified of bugs. Any and all bugs. Imagine her delight upon discovering Larry and Mo eat crickets. :oP Actually, she's rather fond of the fact they eat the bugs and has been quite entertained watching them eat. While I was still at work, she and her Daddy fed the lizard-boys and lost track of time watching them dine.
B realized it was time to feed Lil (oops!) and asked her what she wanted on her pizza. "No! I don't want pizza!" the tiny tyrant decreed.
"Well, what do you want?"
"Crickets!"
"Um, crickets?"
"Yes! Crickets!"
"Oookay, how about cricket pizza?"
"Cricket pizza? Dat's YUMMY!"
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I dug a little deeper into Picasa today and looked at more pictures of Hannah and watched some more movies. I'm devastated I didn't take more photos of her. How could I not take more movies and photos?
As I was watching some movies, looking at her, seeing all the tiny nuances that made my Monkey my Monkey, I realized that my life had been perfect. I didn't think so at the time, but it was. I had everything... There was Han, learning to ride her bike, me calling out encouragement. There she was doing all she could to stay out of the movie I was filming of Lil. "I know you don't want me in the picture, Mommy." Oh, but Monkey, I DO! I did tell her I didn't mind--I'm not sure if that was true or not as my voice sounded a little irritated. I was so wrapped up in Lil and catching all her growing-baby moves. Han was a big girl, and really wasn't changing that much. But, she was. I realize that now. I'm so worried that I was more wrapped up in Lil than I should have been and missed some important parts of Hannah's childhood. Did I waste those moments?
Hannah always wanted to be in photos and movies. In fact, she couldn't seem to stand having a camera not pointed at her. She also LOVED to watch herself in the mirror, the reflection of the tv, the windows. I was so worried about Hannah being vain and conceited. I was so afraid she was going to be so self-absorbed I completely missed the fact she was one of the most generous, caring, unselfish little kids I've ever known. How in the world could I miss such a thing?
I've determined we all want the best for our babies. When they hurt we hurt. When they are happy, we are happy. Our job is to help shape them into the adults they are to become. I was SO worried about the adult Hannah would be I lost sight of the beautiful, gregarious princess she was. Call this another lesson learned.
Hannah, Monkey, I'm so sorry I missed how wonderful you were while you were here. (I knew you were wonderful, but failed to see how absolutely awesomely amazing you truly were.) I celebrate you every day, Monkey-mine. You are my inspiration and my reason for finding the beauty and the wonder in the world. Because, sweet Monk, you were right, there are amazing things all around us. I promise not to lose sight of this, even on my most difficult days. You were my sweet, precious Monkey and this evening, my heart hurts with missing you. I love you, sweet Monkey. I love you.
*************************
Well, that post got away from me...
Today's Sparklies:
1. I've been using Han's fancy purple pen with the plume-y end. It's divinely fancy. ;o)
2. I'm half-way through my school work. Woo hoo!
3. Lily was so excited to see me she BEGGED to talk to me on the phone. She is just as difficult to understand as Hannah was. :oP
4. Lola. I LOVE Lola!
5. Boy does Lil make me laugh.
6. Brien is amazing! He took today (and tomorrow as well) off to be with Lily since her daycare is closed. Nana is equally amazing as she will have Wednesday and Thursday duty. Thank you both SO much!
7. Brien also managed to keep up with the Lil-monster and her messes. I'm impressed. :o)
For now, I'm off to relax with what is left of my evening. Good night, everyone.
19 comments:
Oh Rach, you didn't waste those moments at all. That you can recall so many delightful moments with your monkey is proof to me that you loved her so very much and took note of even the little things that made up her person. Although, I also understand the regrets we harbor. I spent much of today growing regrets over silly fights, time not spent together, moments not cherished. I think we are destined to do this to ourselves...even as we honor their memories. On our way back up from Houston, Hannah was very much on my mind as I thought about how much she would have admired the wildflowers that grow there (thanks to Ladybird)... all the blue bonnets and daisies would have had you stopping the car for her. That I am sure of. Much love to you...
Rachael, Rachael, Rachael. You did NOT miss any of that. Remember I told you, and I will tell you again - before Hannah even died I thought to myself, "I want to be THAT kind of mom."
Who else did 7,463 projects with her children, taking pictures, blogging about your many adventures?
Honestly? Of course you are going to say you would have appreciated her more, in hindsight. But the thing you don't understand is that you were a WONDERFUL mom to Hannah. Why do you think she loved snuggling up to you so much? It wasn't coincidence. Why do you think she was so HAPPY and carefree? She spent the most of her time with YOU and Brien. This wasn't an accident.
You raised a very happy, confident, loving little girl who was very sure of herself, who wanted to share her love with the world around her. She spent her next-to-last day dancing around the living room, decked out in a princess costume. You saw fit to post that video on your blog. You saw fit to even video that moment. You knew what a precious moment it was.
You could have been the best mother in the world and STILL you would have second-guessed yourself. That is the peril, my dear, of being a wonderful mother. You will always think you didn't do enough.
Of COURSE she annoyed you sometimes. Of COURSE you lost your cool sometimes. Of COURSE you thought you needed to get this and that done when she wanted to play. We ALL do that. STOP beating yourself up, my dear.
So.
A loving, carefree child? That is NEVER an accident. Someone lovingly planted care and snuggles and cookie baking and kisses into her life.
That someone was YOU.
Hee hee! Cricket pizza! What a girl! And just what did Brien improvize with to make the cricket pizza?
I'm sorry your heart is aching for Hannah. I'm sure she knew just how truly special she was to you. *hugs*
Oh Rach I have tears in my eyes after reading this. I have probably said this before but you open my eyes to how I need to interact with my boys. I need to treasure every moment with them. You are a great Mom. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and heart with us. Prayers to you, Brien and Lily. Have a nice relaxing evening.
Stephanie - Texas
You continue to make me stop and think about how I am as a mother. I must thank you for that, as I wouldn't have been so keen to do so back in August when I started reading about you and your lovely Hannah.
((hugs))
P.S. My girls decided to be terrified of ants last year. It made for a difficult spring/summer.
We found a great movie The Ant Bully for them for Christmas. I'm crossing fingers that maybe the poor little ants wont be so scary this year ;-)
Rach,
Right now my heart is breaking for you...just literally breaking.I have watched every video on your blog, and seen every picture of Hannah that you have shared. Hannah is there...and I'm sure that there is so much more. You have very special, intimate moments of Hannah. I've seen them.
Please try not to beat yourself up.
Hannah adored you, that's for sure. And I'm sure not one moment did she feel that Lily took over.
We have the same thing with Gabe and Ella. Every time someone gets the camera out, Gabe says "CHEEESSSEE", or should I say "Blueberry" this time. Children are naturally narcissistic.(sp?) It is all about "them", and we teach them to share.
The thing is that you are dealing with "hindsight". "If I knew then, what I know now", and you are not being fair to yourself.
I don't blame you. I would do that to, but you were a wonderful mommy to Hannah. Just as you are to Lil.
Try to remember that. You taught her, and she taught you. And then, through the absolute wonder of this great thing we call life, she taught all of us.
What a gift...what a precious gift.
Hugs
Linda
Rach,
One thing I absoluteley admire about you is that your can still post the sparklies after all that. I don't know you "in real life", but one thing I would stake my life on is that Hannah adored her mommy and knows how much you love her. I am sure it is hard not to dwell on these things, but please try to remember all the wonderful things you did for Hannah, and not what you think were your shortcomings (i know that is hard sometimes, I do it constantly myself). I have to tell you that I have never wanted to be able to reach my arms out and hug someone as much as I want to give you a big squeeze right now.
I, too, am guilty of not realizing how blessed I TRULY am. And it's because of Hannah, that I now have a new appreciation for my ENTIRE life. Bug (like Han) has outgrown her baby stage, so I find myself more focused on drama mama...I KNOW it bothers him that I seem to not only stay home with her all day while he is at school, but when he comes home....I am STILL playing more with drama mama (her cuteness and naked bum get me all the time ) So I have made a pact to spend at least 1/2 hour out of my day to focus solely on Bug.
He really eats up that time, and I regret not doing it a whole lot sooner.
THANKS for the daily reminders of just how precious our lives are!
p.s we went to the zoo on Sun, and there were frogs EVERYWHERE. Every time I saw one I thought of your dancing queen. I think i snapped about 50 pictures of frogs alone. LOL I sure miss Han too!
Hugs.
Oh my Rachel! This post has spoken to me so much! The worries you sometimes had for Hannah, I have for my little girl. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this!
I continue to think about you and Hannah and your family every day.
What great writing here, Rach. I ached as I read it. I realize how important it is to capture every moment, live it truly - be in it. I have Hannah to thank for what I have learned about really being present. I was always waiting for something to happen, looking forward to something else, and not enjoying where I was, then, in that moment.
And, I just did not wear enough pink and sparklies :) I am much better about that now! :)
I hope your work week gets better!
As I was reading about the pictures and movie taking of Lil's babyhood and leaving out Hannah, I felt as though you were talking about my two children. I was looking through my pics last night and funny thing is, there are many many more of Kelsie then of Kayla. I too can't believe that I haven't taken more of Kayla. I am also worried about Kayla being self absorbed. She is just like Hannah in all aspects. She watches herself in the reflections of just about anything. I am always worried how she will turn out instead of focusing on her now. Everytime I read what you write when it pertains to Hannah, I always learn something else that I need to change with the way I act or feel towards Kayla. Thank you for these lessons. And I am sorry for your loss, and I know I say that just about everytime you talk about Hannah, but you write about her so beautifully, it's touching.
Crying for you today, here at lunch in my office, and feeling guilty -- told one kid I was tempted to sell her to the gypsies yesterday (and she panicked and said "but I want to stay here and live with you!" ack, broke my heart, I apologized and explained I was just kidding) and then had a full-out fight with the big boy, too, over putting his glasses in their case (new glasses, new case, hard to start new habits, but was it worth the emotional cost of the big blowout fight? I don't know).
I can relate to the idea of being lost in shaping who they will become and not always appreciating who they are right now. Hard to find a balance between both concerns sometimes.
Hugs!
I needed a good cry this morning so thank you for your wonderful Hannah post. I have been feeling down lately (and why?! since I have two wonderful babies) your post made me realize I need to cherish them so much more. love ya
On Sweet Rachael,
My heart is with you on this one and have nothing amazing to say to you except that you are amazing. Your love for Hannah runs so very deep and wide. It breaks my heart that you second guess yourself in caring for and loving her. We all do it sweetie, everyone of us. I guess we just don't feel the impact unless our heart gets shattered to bits. I am forever sorry for this Rachael, and I pray for peace to come in floods for you during these times of reflections. You are such a wonderful mom, you truly are. I just want to reach through this screen and give you the biggest bear hug right now. Feel it if you can okay and have a wonderful day.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
I feel your pain - especially today in your post. I hope it's even a small consolation that you continue to remind ALL of us parents to treasure each and every moment. I can say with CERTAINTY that I am even more loving, caring, snuggling and tender with my twin boys than I've been in the past after reading and following your blog. Thank you for that gift from you and Hannah. Best to you.
Always thinking of you and our girls catching butterlies together.
Love Sheye
Rachael,
This brought tears to my eyes.
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. Wish I could give you a hug.
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