Lil on the Mend

Yay! Look at this happy little face!! :o) This was what I was greeted with this afternoon. Woo hoo! Lily stayed home with Daddy today (and will again tomorrow for good measure) and was in very good spirits. She got up from her nap shortly after I returned home and seemed fairly jovial. When she gave me two hair doodles and asked me to please put her hair up, I knew she was feeling pretty good.


Because she is still coughing and rather phlegmy, we decided she needs one more day at home. If we had to, we could send her to Shari's. However, we decided she would benefit from one last day of rest. Shari seemed pretty bummed Lily won't be coming tomorrow.


Lil was looking so cute I just had to take her picture. I asked her to say "cheese". She did, but of course, the camera was too slow and missed it. I asked her to do it again and she said, "It's hard to say cheese. Baby cat say 'cheese'." How's that for a mouthful of words? She was a real chatty Cathy this evening and I was floored. "I want a cookie, peese. Dey're in dere, in dee door." Translation: the cookies are in the pantry behind the door. It seems we're on the cusp of another language explosion.


On last photo of Miss Bit. She found a new seat this evening. Those are her Daddy's feet...;oP

**********************************

It was wonderful to be back at work today! When I walked in my room, there were two vases filled with water sitting on my desk. As each child arrived, they had two flowers, one for me and one for Lola. By the time all the children had arrived, we each had two FULL bouquets of flowers that were absolutely GORGEOUS!

I noticed a couple of the parents were hanging out in the hall during morning prayer, but I wasn't too concerned. They are very nice ladies and I knew if they needed something they would let me know. Well, they had a purpose after all. After prayer, one of my students brought me the most sparkly, gorgeous tiara you have ever seen. The thing was coated in iridescent glitter and sparkled fit to be tied. Wow! Lola and I got to be co-queens of everything today. :o) Today was teacher appreciation day and I sure did feel appreciated. I wore that tiara all day long. :oP Hannah would have been so proud. :o)

And, speaking of Han, Karen had a wonderful Hannah experience today. It lifted my spirits considerably to read her story. Thank you, Karen. I really did need that today.

*****************************************

The days pass. Time flies, yet it drags on and on. I miss Hannah. I find I sit in assemblies and wonder what Han would have been learning and singing this year at her assemblies. I catch a glimpse of a little girl with Han's hair color and miss her. I find there are many little girls out there who, for a brief, fleeting moment, remind me of the Monkey. However, I have yet to hear one that reminds me of her. That big, rumbly Hannah laugh died with her. Lily has a nice, silly little laugh, but nothing like the Monkey's big, full of life laughter. And you know, I'm okay with that. I think it would be too shocking to be faced with that laughter since it was so uniquely Hannah. Other little girls have her hair color, or hair style, but only Han had that laugh.

******************************************

This is going to seem a little random, sorry. Brien and I are both fairly mole-y people. We have moles everywhere, and Han was definitely a product of her parents. Hannah had a wonderful mole right at the end of her left eyebrow--very tiny and delicate--and another by the corner of her right eye. These moles were there from the time Han was about 9 months old. I would tell her they were her beauty marks. There was also one on the back of her wrist, many on her legs, one next to her belly button, and more, so many more. I can close my eyes and see them. We would play games trying to locate new ones. Han would laugh and laugh about those moles. I used to tease and tell her she was going to turn into a giant mole if she wasn't careful. Hee hee.

Lily, well, Lil just didn't have any. I know this is going to sound strange, but I was sad because she had no moles. Then, yesterday, I noticed one on her leg. This evening I saw a tiny one on her left cheek, on her jaw. Yay! I have somehow connected Lily's moles with Hannah. Lily having moles helps me feel closer to the Monkey somehow. I don't know why, but it does.

************************************

I finished the birth announcements last night. Another "yay!". My gift to Jessie and Bob for Gabriel was to make the announcements, address the envelopes and mail them. I know it is going to sound stupid, but I'm quite insecure about those announcements, and really, my cards in general. Just because I think they are cute doesn't mean anyone else does... I really appreciate all the positive comments about them, so thank you.

I have a few other friends who have had babies recently, or will be having them soon, and I was wondering if birth announcements would be a good gift for them. The thing is, not everyone likes cards, yet, I want to make them something. I want to give a gift from the heart, you know? As a bonus, I really do enjoy making the cards and using my creativity to come up with something somewhat unique and fun.

**********************************

Today's Sparklies:

1. Gabriel's announcements. I had such fun making them. I LOVE the "Wild About You" stamp set and despite the simplicity of the design, really do enjoy them. I'm so glad I could do something nice for Jessie and her family.
2. My tiara. Whee!
3. Lil's better!!!!!
4. Karen's story. Again, thank you, Karen. It's nice to know Han is everywhere.
5. My gorgeous bouquets of flowers.
6. Watching Lil and Brien play together. It's SO sweet.
7. My students were so happy to see me, and I them. Life is good when you enjoy your job. :o)


Milestones:

Another day breathing in and out. Another day putting one foot in front of the other. Another day sans the Monkey. I'm making it. I'm doing this. If you had asked me on the evening of July 19th how I would be in six months, I would not have predicted this. In spite of everything, in spite of the pain, longing, loneliness, grief, sorrow, etc., I really don't think I'm doing that poorly. I'm stunned, quite frankly. Every night I say a prayer of thanks that I had the privilege of living with Hannah for six years (including pregnancy). Every night I ask God to help me shoulder the burden of this pain. Every night. I'm so grateful I had that time with the Monkey, and although I desperately wish I still had her, I know I was blessed to have her for the short period of time I did. What an amazing person, not just child, but PERSON, she was. How many lives she touched. Thank you, God. Thank you.


***********************************
I'm planning on spending the evening enjoying my time with Brien. There is something so wonderful in just being with him, even if it is just us doing our daily life stuff.

Gabriel Kenneth Gaulden

For those of you who don't have access to Jessie's blog, here's Gabriel. :o)

Quicky

Brien just got in (thank goodness), I'm trying to get the rest of the announcements put together, and I'm going back to work tomorrow so it's early to bed early to rise for me.

Lil is staying home again tomorrow. As a two year old, when she coughs, she's not very good about covering her mouth. And, she continues to have those intense coughing fits where she coughs up phlegm and other such nastiness. Now that B's home, he'll stay with her, and I can go to work.

The kids emailed me the sweetest message today. Lola typed it for them. Basically, they said they missed me, they needed me and they loved me. They also asked me to come back soon, but only when Lily was feeling better. :o) Aw. I love them too and I replied as such, telling them I would be returning tomorrow. Lola read the reply and said I should have been there to hear the screaming and cheering.

You know, it's nice to be needed.

Meanwhile, Lil is on the mend and has entered the I'm-feeling-better-but-still-don't-feel-great-
so-I'm-cranky-as-Hell-and-I-really-don't-know-what-I-want stage. Ugh. She spent most of the day, when she wasn't coughing, alternately crying/whining and playing. Half the time she wanted me and the other half the time she shoved me away. Typical sick kid. Poor baby.

I'm off to finish those announcements. Good night all! :o)

The Winners Are...

Here they are, Mom. I selected something simple and fairly easy to do, that can be modified, and am actually quite pleased with the results. Yay! I should be able to finish knocking them out by tomorrow evening, given Lil naps the way she typically does tomorrow afternoon.


EDITED: The stamp set is "Wild About You" from Stampin' Up! The papers and inks are also SU!.






*************************************

On a more subdued note, I came to a few realizations today. While I was positively overjoyed about the arrival of baby Gabriel, I still had a couple of down-ish moments. The first was while Lil and I were awaiting Dr. Jen's appearance this morning. Lily was so anxious I began singing to her. Before I knew it I was singing "You Are My Sunshine" which is what I always always sang to Hannah. That wasn't the problem. As I was singing, the lyrics took on a whole new meaning for me.

You are my Sunshine
My only Sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My Sunshine away

The other night dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head
And I cried

Wow. Never have truer lyrics been written or sung. As much as I always loved the song when Han was alive, I don't think I'll be singing it to Lily again for quite some time. It really is my song for Hannah. It always was, it always will be. My Sunshine (which was another one of my names for Han) has definitely been taken away.

I had another odd moment this evening. Although I have not yet met my new nephew (may I just say how odd it is to say, "nephew"?? We have only ever had girls in this family...) I am already in love with him. What a sweet and wonderful new baby. Jessie posted photos on her blog and one of the photos is of Ella holding Gabriel. I was immediately transported back to the first time Hannah held Lily. I can still see her excitement, her nervousness, how thrilled she was to be the big sister. She had recently cut her own hair (AGAIN!) and I can still see the spiky bangs jutting from her forehead.

The photo of Ella with Gabriel is just wonderful, and I had no inkling it would move me to tears, and not just by the beauty of it. It really is strange what will trigger a memory.

******************************************

I'm off tomorrow since Lily is still coughing up a storm and her fever is still fairly high. The sub plans are written, and Lola, sweet, wonderful Lola is coming by once again to grab my sub plans. It was a long first semester, but it was worth the wait. :o)

Today's Sparklies:

1. GABRIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Lil only has an ear infection, not something worse.
3. I'm glad I was able to be here with Lily today. She needed me, and well, it's nice to be needed sometimes.
4. Cheesy teenybopper movies. Sometimes you just need a campy, feel-good movie.
5. I'm pretty pleased with how the birth announcements are coming out. Yay! :o)


Milestones:

"You Are My Sunshine". Who knew??

A new baby. Again, I never would have predicted my reaction to seeing him with his big sister.

********************************

I still need to select a couple of pages to be photocopied for student work tomorrow and it's already 11:23 so I'm off.

Mock-Ups of the Birth Announcement

I like this one. I'm toying with the safety pins.


Giraffe facing the other way. I think I like the top one better--you were right, Paul. :oP


I need to do something with the ribbon and make it go horizontal across the card, or something like that.


I just don't like the gator for a birth announcement. Sorry. I tried.


I'm thinking of modifying this one with the "I'm Here"

Lily Update

Lil's doctor appointment was at 10:45, and as is typical we weren't seen until almost 11:30. Lily, meanwhile, knew where we were the moment we arrived and started crying. It breaks my heart and she is deathly afraid of the doctor's office. Everything about the visit scares her, from the scale, to the nurses to the otoscope and stethoscope. So, I had a feverish (so hot!), terrified toddler clinging to me, flinching at every sound she heard--and let me tell you, there were a TON of screaming kiddos today--occasionally crying. She finally fell into an exhausted heap, draped across me sleeping. When Dr. Jen came in, she of course apologized for the delay. I don't mind. Really. Okay, maybe I do a little because it's irritating when dealing with a terrified sick toddler. However, I know the delay is because she is spending quality time with each of her patients, not just giving them the bums' rush, which is what I expect of her as well.

Since Lil was sleeping so peacefully, Jen checked her right ear. Lil is also terrified of having anything put in her ears--thermometer, cotton swab, wash cloth, etc.--so being able to check her while she slept made things less traumatic for her. Unfortunately, we had to lift her to switch sides, she saw Jen and went into immediate panic mode. Jen checked the other ear, listened to her breathing and said she has a raging ear infection. The thought is she had a cold, the cold began to go away and she picked up the ear infection. I'm not a fan of antibiotics, especially for ear infections, especially when I have to try to get them into Lily. Ugh. But, the ear infection looks like it's trying to spread to the other ear as well, so Suprax it is. Whee. :eye roll: We also have some drops for the ear pain.

Since she is still coughing up some really disgusting stuff, has a fantastic fever and and really hasn't gotten much rest today, I'm going to take tomorrow off to keep her home one more day. In fact, I emailed Lola and told her I was trying to figure out what to do with Lily and she replied, "STAY HOME!" Alrighty then! ;oP I have to postpone two quizzes to do so, but, really, Lily is my most important responsibility so there it is.

In other news, I realize that in my euphoric, exhausted, half-awake state I got Gabriel's time of birth wrong. It was 11:26 not 11:46. Oops. I apologize for the error. For those of you who haven't checked, Jessie has posted a quick update on her blog.

I hope everyone is having a great day. I'll post sparklies and milestones later this evening. :o)

HE'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

Gabriel (Middle name to be determined) Gaulden
7 pounds 4 ounces
18 1/2 inches long
born January 28, 2008
11:46 PM central time

Pictures to come later.

Bob called me literally as soon as he was out! Oh, I'm all weepy with joy! A new baby! A new baby!! :o)

Okay, off to sleep once again. I'm so overjoyed with everything!

Update!

Okay, so the epidural did the trick and she's at 9cm!!!!! This baby's a-comin', ya'll! :oD

Jessie Update

Jess just called. She decided to go with the Pitocin. She made it to six excruciating centimeters (labor with Pitocin is the closest I have ever come to physical Hell on earth) with back labor and went with an epidural. She is currently resting comfortably and saving her energy for the time to push. The midwife is predicting about a centimeter an hour so I expect Gabriel will be here by 4:00 or so EST.

Meanwhile, Lil has just awakened coughing and miserable so I'm off.

Jessie and Other Such News

For those of you anxiously awaiting a Jessie update, you'll need to bear with me for a moment, please.

Lily is still sick. In fact, I'm wondering if she has managed to pick up something on the tail end of her last malady. There is such a fine line between being an overly anxious mama who is constantly at the doctors' offices, and one who is indifferent to her children's illnesses. I try not to get too worried about the girlies. Having been through so many childhood illnesses with Han, I tend to be a little less fretful with Lily. I know when my babies are listless and fevered I need to worry. Lily has had her fever for almost five days now, and even though she isn't listless per se, a fever lasting more than three days is a bit worrisome.

And, the thing is, this morning I was convinced she was on the mend. Lily was awake and happy and had no fever. Shari called around three this afternoon to let me know Lil's fever had returned. Oh, what a miserably unhappy munchkin she has been this evening. As soon as I got off the phone with Shari I made arrangements for a sub tomorrow and called the doctor. Lily will be seeing Dr. Jen at 10:45 tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lola! She is coming by here at 7:20 tomorrow morning to pick up my sub plans and she's taking over tomorrow afternoon. I thank god every day for Lola.

Interestingly enough, just as I was getting off the phone with Shari, Jessie called to tell me her water had broken. Woo hoo!!! So, here is the Jessie update as of 8:20 this evening.

Jessie and Bob arrived at the hospital around 5:00 EST (I think). When I talked to Jessie around 6:30 EST, she was 3cm and 80% effaced. Yes! Fast progress is such a good thing! Fast forward to 8:20. It's Jess and she has news. She's still 3cm and 80% effaced and it seems baby boy Gaulden is posterior, or coming out sunny-side up. Great. The midwife had told Jessie she could wait until 2:00 and start the pitocin (the most godawful substance known to man!!) drip or she could just go ahead and start it now. Jessie wanted my opinion about what to do.

I told her I thought going for the drip now made the most sense. I figured if she held out until 2 and made little progress, she was going to be mentally and physically exhausted and in no way ready to handle all a pit drip means. I also know that a posterior baby is NOT going to move through the birth canal as quickly or as easily as an anterior baby so anything that might motivate Baby G to move is a good thing. I told Jessie all this, and then repeated it for Bob as Jess had another contraction, and said, ultimately my opinion really didn't matter anyway since I'm not the one in the room having the contractions.

That's how things stand right now. I promise to post any update I may get, and please, everyone pray for my sister and her family. (Lil could certainly use some prayers too!)

**********************************

Today's Sparklies:

1. LOLA!!!!!
2. I knew our students were very service oriented and motivated, but the assembly we had this morning brought that home. What a wonderful feeling to see and hear all we're doing. :o)
3. Baby Boy G will be making an appearance any time now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. In spite of the fever, exhaustion and illness, Lil cracked me up today. She loves her new sunglasses. :o)
5. Nana and Pop were SO wonderful this evening. They not only invited Lil and me to dinner, they watched her while I went out to get some photocopies made for tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for EVERYTHING!!!


Milestones:

This is my first evening in the house without Brien since Hannah died. Okay, not really. Brien took a small sabbatical to Blacksburg right after Han died, but Mom and Jessie and Ella were here with me. This is my first night in the house, just Lil and me since Han was in the hospital for the cat bite. Quite frankly, I'm so tired and excited right now I don't have time to be too sad or anxious or even introspective. Right now I have two main concerns, Lil, and Jessie. How fortuitous Jessie went into labor today. Thanks, Jess! :oP


**********************************

Okay, off to type up those lesson plans for tomorrow. I promise to post any details I may have tomorrow. Stay tuned...:o)

Ugh: Part II

Aw, don't you just feel so sorry for her? Lil was still ill and feverish yesterday which meant the Fancy Nancy party was out. She was such a sick Little Bit and I felt so awful for her. I left her with Brien as I raced to Richmond for Kat's baby shower. We had so much fun! Is there anything more exciting than the anticipation of a new baby's arrival?

Our friend Jen, and Kat's sister Lexa hosted the event at Kat's house. I was privileged to meet many of Kat's friends as we oohed and ahhed over the teeny baby clothes and fantastic baby goodies. :o) While the shower itself was fun, the best part was when everyone else had left and I stayed behind to just visit. I haven't been with Jen, Troy and Kat since July and we just needed to catch up. Jen's a stay-at-home (that really should be work-at-home, but I digress) mom with two young kiddos, while I of course, have Miss Bit, so it was nice to just be adults, no Mommies. I'm hoping we can all get together to have a grown-ups outing before baby boy Hunter arrives. I LOVE being a Mommy, but sometimes, it's nice to remember I'm an adult too.

I dropped in at the Anderson's house afterwards (they live only 10 minutes away) to give Lydie her birthday present since we were unable to attend the party. All the kids were in high spirits and so much fun to be with, even if it was for only a few minutes. Kelsey had 12 inches of her hair cut off and donated and although I noticed her hair looked beautiful, I failed to mention to her how wonderful I thought it looked. Kelsey is 11 and, if she's anything like my students, would have LOVED to have had me compliment her. I feel like such a failure of an auntie. DOH! I emailed Jen this evening and asked her to please convey my apologies to Kels and to tell her I LOVED her hair.

Poor Brien, I didn't get home until almost 8:00 last night! I had such a wonderful time, though I did feel some slight guilt about leaving him home with a sick kiddo. I fell asleep on the couch at 9:00 and woke up with a splitting headache this morning. In fact, I still have a splitting headache. I had to go and work for about three and a half hours today (Open House) and my upset stomach combined with my splitting headache made it interesting. In spite of that, I still managed to enjoy myself, and Lola and I received a couple of BIG compliments. One was said to a fourth grade teacher, along the lines of, "The fifth grade teachers alone make it worth sending our children to this school." The other was, "The fifth grade team is high energy!" YES! Hearing that just made my day. :o)

And, now, I'm off. Lil is feeling somewhat better this evening, and I'm going to go put her to bed. I know I have no right to complain because so many other woman have their husbands gone so frequently, but, Brien is leaving for three days tomorrow and I'm really bummed. I'm also somewhat anxious because this will be the first time we've been separated since Hannah's death (it's still so wrong to write that!). I'm hoping to be able to keep up the routine we've put into place, and maybe, in the evenings, I can work on organizing my stamping stuff and make some cards. We'll see. Tuesday I'm going to dinner with Bridget, Sarah and Erin. :o) Tomorrow and Wednesday are up in the air.

Okay, okay, I'm really off now. Lil's teeth are brushed and it's time for me to read and snuggle. Good night all! Sparklies tomorrow! :o)

Baby Card

Shower card for Kat, posted so Lissie can see.

Jessie, I'm going to try to get a couple of designs done this evening. The creative juices are flowing!

Inflammatory Breast Cancer

Jessie linked this on her blog this evening. If you are a woman, or someone who loves a woman, please check out this site.

Thank you.


P.S. Lil's fever is well over 103 tonight. Whoopee! :eye roll: We kept her up until 7:30 in an effort to ensure she sleeps later than 6:30 tomorrow morning. When I asked if she was ready to go upstairs she said, very emphatically I might add, "YES!!" She is such a sick little puss, poor baby. :sigh:

I'm afraid her cousin's Fancy Nancy birthday party is out tomorrow. :sigh again:

Ugh

Lily was up at 10:30, 11:15, 12:00 and 3:30 last night. I'm tired. Lily's tired. Lily woke up crying, saying, "It hurts. It hurts!" She was coughing and her chest hurt and I hurt for her. I just hate it when the girls are sick.

Han contracted flu when she was 16 months old and it was AWFUL. She had a HUGE fever and was as limp as a dishrag. I felt impotent and helpless as I knew she was suffering and miserable and there was NOTHING I could do about it. The doctor thought it might be bacterial, and as it was a holiday weekend (New Year's) the decided to give her rocefin injections and I cried and cried. I have never seen such a thick, viscus liquid, and it was being injected into my baby's fat little thighs. It was my job to hold her down while the drug was administered and I cried and cried and cried. It was sheer Hell. Poor little Monkey. Poor poor little Monkey. From then on, Han was deathly terrified of needles. Immunizations were a bear as Han would flip out at the mere thought of going to the doctor. :sigh:

Ah, I digress. Lil has no fever, just a yucky cough, but mostly while she's trying to sleep--of course. She seems to be sleeping more soundly this evening, so I'm hoping she'll get some rest. Let me tell you, I was one grumpy bunny when that alarm went off this morning! :oP

I went to dinner with Johna this evening. It was so lovely to just chat and catch up. :o) Before I knew it, 2 hours had passed! Oops.

To that end, I've gotta jet. I've got papers to grade, and quite frankly, bed is beckoning. :o)

***************************
Today's Sparklies:

1. The chocolate chip cookies were delicious and Lil thought half of one made a lovely breakfast treat. Yup, now you know my secret, I'm a terrible mother...;oP
2. "Breftist bars". I don't know why this just popped into my head, I guess because of number 1. Han called ice cream sandwiches "breftist bars" because her Lissie called them "breakfast bars". Yup, they make an ideal brekky, and Han would enjoy one once in a while. Heck, they have calcium, right? How are they any worse for you than Krispy Kremes?
3. My sparkly blue necklace that I received from Lissie as a birthday gift. Han had picked it out in Mr. Ron's shop, but I wouldn't buy it. Lissie did. Thank you Lissie!
4. Dinner with Johna.
5. Friends who contact you unexpectedly, just to let you know they are thinking of you.
6. All my lovely readers. Thank you for all your positive and wonderful comments in the face of my very real humanity. Those of you who keep coming back to read my rather boring, mundane, imperfect life blog are just wonderful. Thank you!

Milestones:

I seem to be drawing a blank this evening. At this moment I miss Han with a terrible emptiness and ache in my heart. I have no idea why. I think reminiscing about her has brought her close to me once again. I haven't felt her presence in a while and I miss that as well. I'm sure in her typical Monkey fashion, she's run off to play and will come running when she needs a snuggle. I just hope that snuggle is soon.

Cookies and More

Well, the routine worked well for two days and tonight we got off schedule. You see, while Lily and I were in Ukrop's this afternoon, she saw the break and bake cookies in the refrigerated aisle and said, "A cookie, Mommy, a cookie!" In the past I have purchased break and bake cookies and actually enjoy them very much. However, I KNOW they are loaded with all those terrible things I'm trying to avoid: high fructose corn syrup, transfats, etc. I asked Lil if she wanted to make cookies with me tonight. Her response was an emphatic "YES!".

Having to stop by the grocery store this afternoon put us behind schedule anyway, and we weren't finished with dinner until almost 6:00. Lily really wanted to make the cookies, and since I still regret not having made chocolate chip cookies with Hannah when I kept promising to do so, we decided to forgo the bath and earlier bedtime and instead make and enjoy cookies.

Lily had such fun putting in the sugar, helping crack the eggs and dumping in the chocolate chips. :o) Trying to curb a two year old's enthusiasm with a wire whisk and bowl of flour and leavening is pretty futile. :oP Lil helped with pretty much every step. While the cookies baked, we went upstairs to put on jim jams and then came down to enjoy a hot-from-the-oven homemade cookie.

I know schedules and routines are important, but it's equally important to know when to throw them out the window. :oP In this instance, the family time (B helped with Lily) and baking were more important than hustling Lily to bed by 6:30. Ultimately, she was in bed by 6:45 or 6:50 and we had a great time together.

**************************************

These pictures are from Saturday evening--I just found them on the camera.


This little tree lives in our front yard. I noticed it when I came to the front door to check out the surprise that was left for us:


Isnt' he fun?? The doorbell rang, B went to answer the door, and found him standing there. Hee hee! I LOVE my neighbors! Kristine had come over with the kids as we were ALL overjoyed with the snow. :oD


They also left us a couple snow angels. Wheeee!


**************************************

I have had a low-grade missing Hannah all day sort of day. On the surface I've been happy, and for moments, up-yo'd. However, I've had this underlying sense of down-yo. At moments I least expect it, I'm inundated with memories of Hannah and instead of leaving me happy, I'm left packed with sorrow.

I caught a glimpse of a kindergartner today and she reminded me of Hannah. I saw a little boy rush to embrace his Mama and I was swamped with sadness. I made cookies with Lil and never got to with the Monk. I keep remembering putting her off and putting her off on other things as well. "Okay, Han, we'll do it once Lily is sleeping. Oh, wait, let's clean up first. Okay, hold on a sec, I've just gotta do this (unimportant task that I just want to do instead of spending time with you). Oh, no, Lily's up, Monk, we'll just do it tomorrow." Oh, the burden of guilt I feel. Why why why why why did I put her off?????? WHY??????????????? What was more important than my child? NOTHING!!! NOTHING is more important than spending time with my kids and I desperately wish I had it to do over again.

Remember when we were kids and we'd play kickball? Remember when you had a bad roll or kick and you would call out, "Do over!"? Well, folks, I want a "do over". I know SO much better now. I should have thrown what I was doing aside and just gone to decorate with my sweet Monkey. She LOVED to be with me, working side-by-side with me (or B for that matter) more than just about anything else in the world. You know, there are days when I think the guilt will just eat me alive.

And then, there are days when I have no guilt. I just wish today were one of those days. :sigh:

*************************************

Today's Sparklies:

1. I got out of bed and exercised again this morning.
2. It was a beautiful, sunny day for car line.
3. Making cookies with the Lilmeister.
4. I forgot to mention it last Friday, we got our Christmas package from Josh and Dana. Lil got two very cute "Miss Spider" books, B got the coolest book, "The Dangerous Book for Boys" and I received a beautiful copper wind chime Han would thoroughly approve of. Thank you guys! :o)
5. I made the "gyros" with lamb instead of ground beef tonight, and they were AWESOME!


Milestones:

Making those stupid chocolate chip cookies. Had I known the intense feelings of sadness and guilt they would trigger I honestly don't know if I would have made them. That's not to say I'm sorry I did it, but sometimes I find I try to protect myself from the pain because it is otherwise too overwhelming. I'm delighted I had such fun with Lily and B in the kitchen, I just desperately wanted the Monkey to be in there with us.


************************************

It's funny, I get anxious when I write and post things like I did last night. I try to be as open and honest as possible here, as I'm hoping to one day look back and reflect on how I made it through one of the worst periods of my life. When I do write things such as yesterday's post, I feel so exposed, I'm REALLY putting myself out there.

Thank you all for your kindness and understanding. I really appreciate it.

Now, since Lily seems to have contracted some sort of nasty cold, I'm off to write sub plans on the off-chance I have to stay home with her tomorrow. Barring a fever, I'll be sending her off to Shari's, but, it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

Normal?

What is normal? Seriously, what is "normal"? I've been giving this SO much thought since Hannah's death. What I thought was "normal" no longer is. What is "normal" now most likely won't be in another six months. Heck, what was "normal" two weeks ago is no longer my definition of "normal". It's all so strange.

Prior to his leaving, Paul sat B and I down and told us he was concerned about us. I understand, and know how hard it is to see and interact with a loved one from thousands of miles away, see there is something wrong, and be unable to do anything about it. While talking to us, Paul raised many valid points and concerns and it made me sit back and reevaluate where I am and where I've been and where I want to be. To that end, I contacted and made an appointment with a counselor today. I don't know what we'll do, say, etc., but having been in counseling on two other occasions in my life, I know it can be helpful with the right counselor.

One of the things I realized after hearing Paul out and really reflecting, I realized I was using Hannah's death as an excuse for not doing a lot of things I should have been doing. Inherently, I'm quite lazy. I would much rather be playing, sitting on my duff reading, or some other such self-indulgent activity including playing with the girls (now girl), than cleaning. I'm lazy. I am, I accept this, and I typically work hard to move past it. My mom however, is not, and I truly believe never has been. She is, without a doubt, the hardest worker I have ever met. This leaves me feeling rather guilty when I realize I'm as lazy as I am. Prior to Hannah's death, I would make myself do the things I knew needed to be done. I would work hard and play when I was finished with those jobs that had to be done.

After Han was gone, I had an excuse to sit around and not do those things that needed doing; cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. People would just understand that things were the way they were because I was having a hard time pulling myself together. Then, of course, there was the drama with my co-teacher and my carrying the fifth grade as the administrative staff found a perfect teaching partner for me. Ah, another ready-made excuse.

Just prior to Christmas, I began to cook again. Woo hoo! I was in the kitchen cooking. That was still fairly inconsistent, though. On a gut level, I knew I needed to pull myself together because Lily needed a house where there was consistency and routine. From the time she was a baby, I was careful to be sure Hannah had routines in place and that we adhered to them. As she grew older, I adjusted, modified and worked with Han to continue to have a routine and/or schedule in place, including making her "Race to the Finish" games last year when my poor little Monkey just couldn't get it together in the mornings or at bedtime. I had a schedule in place where I had a couple of different chores each day of the week so I had weekends free to play with Han, and then, after Lily arrived, the girls. Hannah and I both thrived in this environment, and Lil was beginning to do so as well.

Didn't I owe it to Lil (as well as to B and Han and me) to have a routine and consistency in our lives? To have a house that is always clean, not just when the mood strikes me or I just can't stand it anymore? To have decent, home cooked meals every night, not just when I felt like it? Didn't I need the routine?? After giving it a LOT of thought, I realized I have been wasting hours and HOURS every day. I'm not proud of myself over this, and in fact, I'm quite embarrassed and can't believe I'm even putting this out there! But, I've always made it a point to be honest with myself and honest on my blog and, this is who I am, for better or worse.

Taking all of this into account, and really considering Lily's needs, I came up with a new schedule and routine for my days. As a teacher, my work days have a rhythm to them marked by schedule and routine and I confess, I feel most comfortable when I have everything well planned. I know how my day is going to flow--it's the same every day, barring any assemblies, etc. I decided to take this comfort and apply it to my home life as well. To that end, I'm up when the alarm goes off, on the elliptical running. I confess, I actually feel pretty good. Sure, I was rather grumpy this morning, but it wasn't such a bad way to begin my day.

In the evenings, we are putting Lil down by 6:30. If we put her down any later, she's an absolute wreck. She becomes whiny, cry-y, miserable to be around. This 6:30 bedtime has been wonderful and Lil is much happier in the mornings as well. (As a quick aside, both of my kiddos have a lot of their Aunt Jessie in them--Han was a piddler like Jessie was, loved the same junky junk foods. Lil needs her sleep just like her Aunt Jessie did. Genetics is SO fascinating!) This also gives B and I an additional thirty minutes in the evening, which B is using to run on the elliptical.

All this rambling means I've got a schedule, a purpose, a routine. For the first time in quite a while, I feel "normal"--whatever that means. :oP I've been missing Hannah quite a bit today, feeling sad, yet, I feel good. It feels good to have a routine in place once again!

***********************************

Today's Sparklies:

1. Exercise in the morning. It's amazing how much easier it is on the body to workout when it is 35 pounds lighter.
2. I got a number of compliments on my funky jewelry today. :o)
3. The kids were so full of excitement, ready to share what they did over their long weekend.
4. It was actually cold again today. Yes, for me this is a sparkly. I know, I know, I'm weird. :oP
5. Carline was fun today. Yes, I'm weird for enjoying that as well. :oP
6. B had to stay home with Lil today because Shari was sick. He pulled up a picture of Drew Barrymore on the computer, Lil looked at it and declared, "Look, dere's Mommy!" Hee hee! :o)
7. Dinner was quite tasty. I made the creamy noodle bake with bellas and beef tonight and it was so good. We had a lovely avocado and hearts of palm salad to go with it. Mmmm. Even Lily ate it. ;o)


Milestones:

We've got the routine in place and so far I feel good about it. We'll see how long I can keep it up. ;oP

MLK Day

One of the nicest perks of teaching is having opportunities to stay home with your kids--you have summers, common holidays, etc. Today was one such day.

Sundays are typically my rough day and oddly enough, yesterday wasn't bad. Today, however, was another story. It wasn't as awful as some I've had, it just wasn't good. I spent today in a rather slug-like state. I read another romance novel (yay!), but felt no motivation to do anything. Sure, I had things that needed doing, I just didn't wanna.

I really missed Han today. I'm used to having these holidays together and she wasn't here to share it with us. I'm actually dreading the summer, and not just because we will be closing in on a year without Hannah. Speaking of which, I completely missed Saturday was the six month mark. Wow! How in the world have six months passed without the Monkey? How is that possible? I spend my days getting up and going through the motions of living, finding beauty and fun wherever possible, as the Monk did. It truly is a day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute existence some days.

I'm off to write lesson plans (yes, I should have done so earlier...), grade some papers (yes, I know, I know...) and then to bed. I have a new regime planned beginning tomorrow, which includes actually getting up when alarm goes off, and :gulp: exercising. UGH! I'll let you know how it goes. Until then, enjoy these photos from Saturday afternoon.






Today's Sparklies:

1. I finished another novel. Woo hoo!
2. Lily has discovered that bodily functions are wildly funny..."Excuse you Daddy!"
3. Lil's pizza dance has to be seen to be believed. :oP
4. Snuggling down under a warm blanket with a warm dog. Thanks, Waylen. ;o)
5. A thick sweater on a cold day. Ahhhhh


Milestones:

I forgot one from Saturday evening. Not only was it six months since Hannah drowned, it was also the first time we had used the fireplace since her accident. Han loved loved LOVED to lie in front of a crackling fire, snuggled under a fuzzy blanket. She would inevitably fall asleep, leading either B or I to carry her upstairs. I always had a cozy feeling, sitting in the living room with B, watching Han snooze in front of the fire. When we lit the fire Saturday evening, I had B put a blanket down for Hannah. I know it was weird, but it just felt right to have that blanket there.


Finally, to comment to those of you who mentioned the anxiety attack in the bath being surprising, I can attest to how shocking it was for me! I had no IDEA that would happen and was really unprepared. I got past it, and enjoyed the rest of my bath. I had a pang of regret Hannah wasn't there to share the bath with me, as she liked to take dips in my HUGE tub as well. It was always a treat for her to go "swimming" in my tub and I have residual guilt I didn't let her do so more often. She would always ask, often near begging, "May I puh-leez take a baff in your tub? Please, Mommy? Please?" Why did I say no? Why?

Off to fold socks and do school work. Thank you, Honey, for folding the laundry while I typed. I know how much you LOVE to do it...You are truly wonderful and I love you with all my heart.

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I went to bed Friday evening we were under a Winter Weather Watch calling for between four and six inches of snow by midnight Saturday. Upon awakening Saturday morning, I discovered the "Watch" had been canceled and we were no under a Winter Weather Advisory. Poop. I was SO looking forward to snow. Unlike the rest of the population who live here who seem to LOVE the heat and humidity and HATE the cold, I thrive on the cold weather and love LOVE LOVE the snow. I always have. So, I was greatly saddened when the snow was essentially called off. :sigh:

Imagine my delight when huge, fluffy flakes began falling shortly after we had put Lil down for her nap. SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!

When Lil awoke, I ran to her room, opened her blinds and said, "Look, Lil!" Her reply? "SNOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ah, she takes after her mommy. :oP I quickly bundled her into two layers of pants, three tops, boots, coat, hat and mittens. She was dancing in her anticipation of getting outside. :o)

Lily, B, the dogs and I headed out and played for close to an hour. Oh, we had such a delightful time! It was Lil's first true snow, and she had fun exploring it, playing in it, eating it. Han was my first snow baby, delighting in everything the snow provided. Han liked to take snow samples, tasting here and there, ascertaining if there were any differences in flavors from the snow on the bush versus the snow on the car versus the snow on the ground. Hannah had to be dragged into the house she was so desperate to be outside.

Last year we had purchased snow boots for the Monkey--she was with me and could hardly wait to try them out. Sadly, we had practically NO snow last year. The Monk was SO disappointed. Now, I'm sorrowful she wasn't here to enjoy the snow with us. We had fun yesterday, our little family, but B and I kept saying, "Oh, Han would have loved to do _______" or "Wouldn't the Monk have loved ___________?"

As with so many things since Hannah's death, this first snow was horribly bittersweet. I missed Han and knew she would have had a ball, yet, I had such a fun time with Lil exploring and experiencing snow for the first time. There was a time when I would have a vague sense of guilt when I would have fun doing something without Hannah. Then, remembering her sense of wonder and love of life, I knew she wouldn't want us to be guilty. Additionally, I no longer worry about the up yo days. When I feel happy, when I'm having a good day, I go with it, I no longer dread them for fear the down days are going to be that much worse.

So, we had fun. We enjoyed our time in the snow. Lily played and had a blast. Holly ran around like the crazy little dog she is. I took well over seventy-five pictures yesterday, trying desperately to get some decent photos of Lily. Here are only a few of the ones I loved so much. :o)















Weekend Sparklies:

1. Obviously, the SNOW!
2. It's a three-day weekend.
3. "Father Goose". If you haven't seen the movie, you should. First off, I LOVE old movies. Second, I LOVE Carey Grant, who only got better with age. Third, the movie is just plain funny!
4. Dinner with Nana and Pop. We had homemade lasagna last night (I did a fine job if I say so myself) and B has made homemade chili this evening. I'm going to modify the portabello/chicken noodle bake tomorrow night. I'll yet you know how it turns out.
5. Lily has been having a fun time with a straw, making it squeak like "Pingu" the penguin. Ha! :oP
6. Lily has taken to "riding" her sheep, going "Boingy boingy boingy boingy!" rather like one of those large bouncy balls. LOL :oD


Milestones:

1. The snow and no Han.

2. I took a bath in my swimming pool of a bath tub for the first time since Hannah died. That was the first time I had been in any "large" body of water (large enough to submerge myself) and I had an anxiety attack. The last time I could submerge myself in water, I was desperately searching for Hannah. I got past the attack, but it sure wasn't fun.


And now, I'm off to dine with my family. Really, when it's all said and done, family is the most important thing.

Recipe Blitz

Here are some of the recipes that have been requested. Enjoy! :o)

Blackberry Cake

1 yellow cake mix (dry)
2 cups blackberries (fresh or frozen--I use fresh)
1 box blackberry jell-o--3 oz. (I use the black raspberry as the blackberry is about IMPOSSIBLE to find...)
4 eggs
1 cup oil

Put all ingredients into a large mixing bowl. Beat for three minutes. Bake in greased and floured (I use Bakers' Joy) 9"x13" pan at 350 for 45 minutes. Frost with cream cheese frosting.

NOTES: This recipe also works very well with raspberries. Yumm! (Thanks for the recipe, Nana!)



Williamsburg Turkey Soup

1 turkey carcass
4 quarts water
1 cup butter
1 cup flour
3 onions chopped
2 large carrots diced
2 stalks celery diced
1 cup long grain rice, uncooked
2 teaspoons salt
3/4 teaspoon pepper
2 cups half and half

Place turkey carcass and water in large dutch oven. Bring to a boil. cover, reduce heat and simmer 1 hour. Remove carcass from broth and pick meat from bones. Set broth and meat aside. Measure broth and add water if necessary to equal 3 quarts. Heat butter in a large dutch oven. Add flour and cook over medium, stirring constantly, for 5 minutes (makes a roux). Stir carrots, onions and celery into the roux. Cook over medium heat for 10 minutes stirring often. Add broth, turkey, rice, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat and simmer 20 minutes or until rice is tender. Add half and half and cook until thoroughly heated.


NOTES: Nothing other than this is such a yummy, creamy soup. If you are using a turkey that has been brined, leave out the salt. You may need to drop a whole potato into the broth to absorb the salt (thank you, Nana for figuring that out).


And, finally, with props to Cooks Illustrated, my new favorite magazine (if you enjoy cooking, I HIGHLY recommend checking out this magazine):

Greek Style Beef Gyros

Since the yogurt and cucumbers in the Tzatziki Sauce need to drain for 30 minutes, start making the sauce before the patties. Although we prefer the richness of plain whole-milk yogurt, low-fat yogurt can be substituted. Greek yogurt can also be substituted, but use 1/2 cup and skip the step of draining. While we didn’t like the flavor of dried mint, dried dill may be used in place of fresh, but reduce the amount to 1/2 teaspoon. For the patties, the test kitchen prefers the flavor of fresh oregano, but 1 teaspoon of dried can be substituted. The skillet may appear crowded when you begin cooking the patties, but they will shrink slightly as they cook. If using pocketless pitas, heat them in a single layer on a baking sheet in a 350-degree oven for 5 minutes. Do not cut top quarters off pocketless pitas; instead, use a portion of a fifth pita to create crumbs in step 1. When cooking the patties, use a splatter screen to keep the mess to a minimum. The patties can be prepared through step 1 and refrigerated for up to a day or frozen before cooking as directed in step 2 (frozen patties should be thawed in refrigerator prior to cooking). This recipe can be doubled.

INGREDIENTS

For Tzatziki Sauce
1	cup plain whole-milk yogurt
1/2	medium cucumber , peeled, seeded, and diced fine (about 1/2 cup)
3/8	teaspoon table salt
1	tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1	small garlic clove , minced or pressed through a garlic press (about 1/2 teaspoon)
1	tablespoon finely chopped fresh mint leaves or dill
For Beef Patties
4	(8-inch) pita breads (see note above)
1/2	medium onion , chopped coarse (about 3/4 cup)
1	tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1/2	teaspoon table salt
1/4	teaspoon ground black pepper
2	tablespoons minced fresh oregano leaves
3	medium garlic cloves , minced or pressed through a garlic press (about 3 teaspoons)
1	pound 80 percent lean ground chuck
1	tablespoon vegetable oil
Accompaniments
1	large tomato , sliced thin
2	cups shredded iceberg lettuce
2	ounces crumbled feta cheese (about 1/2 cup)

1. For the Tzatziki Sauce: Line fine-mesh strainer set over deep container or bowl with 3 paper coffee filters or triple layer of paper towels. Spoon yogurt into lined strainer, cover, and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, combine cucumber, 1/8 teaspoon salt, and lemon juice in colander set over bowl and let stand 30 minutes.

3. Discard drained liquid from yogurt. Combine thickened yogurt, drained cucumber, remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt, garlic, and mint in clean bowl.

4. For the Patties: Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 350 degrees. Cut top quarter off each pita bread. Tear quarters into 1-inch pieces. (You should have 3/4 cup pita pieces.) Stack pitas and tightly wrap with aluminum foil. Process onion, lemon juice, salt, pepper, oregano, garlic, and pita bread pieces in food processor until smooth paste forms, about 30 seconds. Transfer onion mixture to large bowl; add beef and gently mix with hands until thoroughly combined. Divide mixture into 12 equal pieces and roll into balls. Gently flatten balls into round disks, about 1/2 inch thick and 2 1/2 inches in diameter.

5. Place foil-wrapped pitas directly on oven rack and heat for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, heat oil in 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until just smoking. Add patties and cook until well browned and crust forms, 3 to 4 minutes. Flip patties, reduce heat to medium, and cook until well browned and crust forms on second side, about 5 minutes longer. (See below for tips on flipping patties.) Transfer patties to paper towel-lined plate.

6. Using soupspoon, spread 1/4 cup Tzatziki Sauce inside each pita. Divide patties evenly among pitas; top each sandwich with tomato slices, 1/2 cup shredded lettuce, and 2 tablespoons feta. Serve immediately.


NOTES: Having grown up in Blacksburg, I was surrounded with fabulous downtown college town fare. One of my favorite restaurants is Souvlaki, at one time owned and operated by Kris Kapas. Mr. Kapas taught me the correct pronunciation of the word "gyros" (which is NOT "JI-rose" for those interested!) and introduced me to those wonderful Greek pitas. Yum! Anyhow, this recipe is very flavorful and easy to make. In fact, B had the leftovers for lunch today, and it would seem everyone in his office wanted a taste. :oP They kept asking who's lunch smelled so delicious. ;o)


************************************

In other news, I cooked yet again tonight. I'm once again on a roll! It has been one of those cold, grey, rainy days and I was craving something more traditional and comfort food-esque. I had purchased some 'bella caps and some thin chicken breasts the other day and decided I was going to use them to create a creamy noodle bake. I made it up as I went along, and I have to say, the results were quite yummy!

I sauteed the 'bellas and removed them from the heat. I cooked the chicken in that pan, making sure they were brown enough to leave yummy goodness in the bottom of the frying pan. I removed the breasts when they were finished, used chicken stock to release the brown from the bottom of the pan and then added heavy cream and flour for thickening purposes. Realizing I needed something to add a little extra flavor, I quickly chopped a shallot and added it to the sauce. When it was sufficiently thickened, I chopped and added the chicken and portabellos. I added egg noodles to the mixture, poured it in a greased casserole, topped it with shredded gruyere cheese (ah, heaven that cheese) and baked just long enough to melt the cheese.

Served with a green salad and broccoli, it was quite delicious! Next time I'll sautee the shallot with the 'bellas, and I'll use more than one shallot. This will add a nice sweetness as well as a little additional flavor to the sauce. And, next time, before I add the broth, I'll most likely make a roux using the brownings and some butter, and then add the broth and cream. But, for a first attempt, I was quite pleased with the results. :o)

***********************************

I have NO idea why I decided to do a post on food this evening other than because I'm getting into cooking once again. For a long time I just couldn't face cooking without Han. Then, I just couldn't do it. I would make the motions, purchasing foods, but then letting them rot in the fridge because it was just easier to order out than to cook.

The sad part about that is I truly enjoy cooking (not so much the cleaning...;oP), and I think I'm fairly decent at it. I've been so happy to get back in the kitchen! Lily and I are now cooking buddies. She'll put on her apron, hat and oven mitt and putter around her kitchen while I work at the island. When she's finished at her kitchen, she'll come and help me. I cherish this time spent with her. I remember cooking with Lissie when I was little. I felt like such a big girl helping my mommy. I hope Lil has those same memories.

This cooking kick has the added bonus of using fresh, non-processed ingredients. Brien and I are trying to be conscientious about avoiding both trans-fats and high fructose corn syrup. Additionally, we have been trying to move away from processed foods, feeling foods that are fresh are far better for you. We've also become rather food snooty in that we just don't much care for the flavors present in some processed foods. All of which means by cooking I'm creating much more healthful fare for my family in addition to just plain enjoying myself. :o)

*************************************

Today's Sparklies:

1. The little girl I mentioned in yesterday's post had a WONDERFUL afternoon! She got an A+ on her word study quiz, and a 105.5(!!!!) on her SS quiz! I'm so proud!! This little darling has worked so hard, and yet makes C's and D's, leading her to say she's stupid (oh how I hate it when kiddos feel that way!). I'm simply overjoyed by the successes this child has had this week. She has earned nothing by A's this week in all subjects!! Hopefully she will be inspired with this small taste of success and begin to have a sense of self efficacy. Here's hoping!

2. Oh, the big, fat, fluffy snowflakes that came down today! Oh, how wonderful they were! I just wish it had been cold enough for them to stick...

3. Blacksburg had their first real winter storm of the year and I'm so jealous I'm not there! So, why is this a sparkly? Because I can still rejoice for all my family and friends who get to enjoy the weather. :o)

4. Tomorrow is a professional day so, no kiddos--woo hoo! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my babies. However, a day off from teaching is always fun.

5. I spoke with Grandfather for close to an hour this evening. I do so enjoy our chats as he meanders down memory lane. :o)


No milestones today. There were SO many in the beginning, now, as the definition of "normal" continues to morph and change, they are fewer and farther between. Time keeps marching onward, farther away from life with Han. It's so funny and and not in the 'ha ha' sort of way. I sit and wonder how this could be my life. How is it possible? This is one of those things that happen to someone else. Your heart hurts for the person for a little while, and then, you move on. You aren't heartless, you are just a busy mama and don't want to linger on such tragedies. How is that person in the tragedy me???

It seems the news is simply littered with stories of dead children these days. The news media decide what is going to get the ratings and go for it with gusto (at least, that's the case to my little pea brain), and the story getters of late are dead kids. At one time, I would have been saddened, and then, moved on. Now, I know, I KNOW what their families are going through. I know the pain of losing a child and my heart simply aches for those parents.

I have found I have such empathy for anyone I hear of who has lost a child. You seek those people out, just to say, "I'm sorry. I'm so SO sorry." You continue to hurt for your own loss, yet, the heart is so big, you find yourself hurting for them. I can say for certain, this is not a club I'm happy to be in. However, being a member of the club, I'm going to do all I can to get through, and to be as supportive as possible to others in this situation.

This isn't to say that anyone who hasn't lost a child is unsympathetic. It's simply to say that although I was sympathetic before, I now know the pain, and linger on it far more than I would have in the past. I don't forget like I probably would have before.

For now, though, I'm very sleepy and ready for bed. Once again, I'm letting my body rule and heading off.