Not Much To Say

I'm taking the time to be with Brien this evening. Thank you all for your heartfelt comments over the past few days. I'm grateful my words are helpful to some of you. This blog was started to chronicle my days living with Han and Lil. Then, after Hannah's death, it became a place for me to write and reflect on my journey through grief as well as a place to continue to write about my life with Lily. The fact you all keep coming and reading is truly mind-boggling, but I thank you. You see, I see me, and quite frankly, I'm not that impressed with who I am. I'm a 31 year old teacher and a wife and mother. I've done nothing exceptional in or with my life. I just live every day to the best of my abilities and try to be a good mom, wife and teacher. The fact you all find me even remotely interesting is truly mind boggling to me. So, again, I thank you for everything, for coming to read, for leaving me notes of encouragement and support, for being there.

I wish you all sparkly days and weekends! :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Carmel filled Dove chocolates. Mmmmmm.
2. A husband who cleans the kitchen without being asked--he even wipes down counters! :o)
3. This website and its commercials. I confess I'm intrigued even though I haven't thoroughly investigated yet.
4. Lil's language skills (both receptive and expressive) are growing by leaps and bounds. It's AMAZING the things she understands!
5. "Shaun the Sheep" had all three of us laughing our hineys off this evening. We actually watched four "episodes" because we couldn't stop watching. :oP I would recommend any Aardman junkie out there check it out!
6. Our HD channel line-up has e-x-p-a-n-d-e-d! Yippee! Food Network HD is pretty dang cool. :o)


No milestones today.


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Okay, here's my take on the PetSmart issue. I think it's Pet Smart due to capital S in the word. Since either makes sense, though, I thought I would ask. I think it may be like the age old question of "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?"

"The world may never know..." ;o)

I'm off to visit with my husband. Enjoy your evening tonight and your day tomorrow!

Thank You, Kat

Lily seems to have entered a calm period for the time being. She hasn't really had a full-on tantrum in about two weeks (I'm really asking for it, aren't I??) and has been funny and spunky and just plain fun. She managed to wreak major havoc on the house the past week and a half, and feeling disgusting, I've had no energy to clean up. I've looked at the mess and pretended it didn't exist. This evening, I had finally had enough!

I was checking out Kat's blog and saw this. That little black ball of fur crooning to 4 Non-Blondes is Ursa. I watched her in action Saturday and nearly laughed myself silly. Urs chilled in Kat's lap until about 2:45 into the song and then, she just let all that sorrow pour out. :oP

Whenever I watch anything on my laptop I'm always met with, "I wanna see! Let me see!" from Miss Lily. She watched Ursa wail. And then, she watched it again. And again. "Ah ha!" the smart mommy thought and said to Lil, "Lily, if you pick up all your books and come right back we'll watch Ursa again!"

Lil was finished in two shakes! I then sent her off to collect "a-colors" also known as crayons. Then, it was to pick up balls. Each time she was rewarded with Ursa at which point she would put her little nose in the air and begin to howl as well. :oP I should have videoed Lil howling while watching a video of Ursa howling while she listened to 4 Non Blondes. ;o) So, thank you, Kat, for making my cleaning up so much easier this evening. :o)


Look at that little stinker up there! She has a hair "bone" in today and I was trying to get a photo. Of course, she wouldn't cooperate. You see, it's a hair "bone" because it is the shape of a dog's bone. I said, "Hair bow" Lil heard "hair bone" and so it is. :o)

When we were finished cleaning up, I sat Lily in my lap to watch two episodes of "Shaun the Sheep". We have been Aardman junkies from the time we first saw Paul's "Wallace and Gromit" t-shirt. Hannah LOVED them, watching them all the time. Lily is definitely our child, as she was most anxious to watch Shaun and was very distressed when I told her we were finished with him for the evening. In fact, she threw herself on the floor in a loud, weepy mess. I was definitely experiencing deja vu in that moment. Oh, imagine the dueling drama heaps she and Hannah could have enacted...


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Today's Sparklies:

1. Lil LOVES to be swung upside down and here are a few photos of her enjoying her favorite past time. She had just had a diaper change, and as it was close to bedtime, we just left the legs on her pants unsnapped.



2. Ursa's "singing". Hee hee!
3. The "Salad Club" Lola, Lisa and I started at school. Each of us chose one day of the week and makes salad for all. We recently added two more so I only have to bring food one day a week. Sure, I'll need to feed five, but I get fresh salads for lunch five days a week! What could be better??
4. "I Hope You Dance" by Leeann Womack. It is truly Hannah's song. It has always left me weepy, and until about two minutes ago, I hadn't heard it since before Hannah died. It was just in a commercial and I'm now a sniffly, weepy mess. However, they're tears of joy only tinged with sorrow. If you haven't heard this song, you need to. You'll see why Brien and I really think of it as Hannah's song.
5. Lil and her little joyful self brought four rocks into the house this afternoon. What is it with my children and their love affair with rocks and other nature items?


Milestones:

Last night Lily kept insisting she wanted to go to sleep in Hannah's room. Brien mentioned this to me today and I was once again a little worried about her thinking of the room as an off-limits shrine. This evening, while I was cooking, B and Lil were upstairs and Lily asked once again to go in so B let her in. They explored a little, Lily fell in love with the Groovy girl unicorn, and then left the room. At bedtime this evening, I decided to see if Lil might be interested in one of the Groovy Girls themselves. Lil was very excited and took one and laid her on Hannah's bed. She came and got another and put it on Hannah's bed. Then, she got the unicorn and laid it with the Groovies. She was then ready to leave the room. I asked her if she wanted to take either of the dolls with her and she gave me an emphatic "NO!". She wanted to leave them there on Hannah's bed, where she felt they belonged. I think she would have put all the dolls on the bed had we let her. It's as if she knows those are Hannah's dolls and feels they belong with Hannah's stuff.

We spent time as a family in Han's room and I wandered aimlessly among her most prized possessions just touching them, sometimes chuckling at some sort of "decorating" she had done. I'm sad. I'm sad she's gone. I hurt. But, I'm smiling. I'm having moments of peace and small chuckles where before there was none.

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A note from Jessie: "I approve almost every request I get to read my blog. It is more wanting to know who is stopping by rather than a way to keep people out. If anyone who reads my sister's blog wants access to mine I am more than happy to add you to the reader list. You just need to email me at seccang@hotmail.com (I am only posting this b/c my sister has mentioned that a few request have come in to see pics of my kids- thanks for those of you who are interested!)."

And there ya have it, folks! :o)



One last thought provoking item for the day--is the name of the store "Pet Smart" or "Pets Mart"? I have my thoughts on the subject and wonder what others think... (yes, I know, I'm completely random...)

Why Move On??

For those of you who are no longer able to read Jessie's blog, here are a couple of photos of my beautiful niece and nephew. I LOVE this photo of Gabriel. What an angel. :o)


Can you believe what a beauty Miss Ella has grown to be?


Ella was more than thrilled to be a part of Gabriel's first bottle. :o)

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My fabulous friends from Marshall came to have dinner with me this evening. Lana, Edie, Angie, Mary, Bridget, Sarah and I had so much fun catching up and touching base. It was nice to hear how everyone is doing, and I must say, I'm once again grateful I'm out of public schools for now. Please know I LOVED my experiences teaching at Marshall. I LOVED it. Unfortunately, there is such pressure on public school teachers right now that much of the fun is gone. :o( Once again, to those of you in the trenches, I know what you are going through and I say prayers for you all every day.

I'm excited to report we will be meeting the third Tuesday of March for another fun-filled evening of catch-up and camaraderie. :o) Yay!

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I've been mulling this over for quite a while and have been trying to find the best way to organize my thoughts on the matter. Today, my friend Betsy posted something that brought it all bubbling to a head in my mind, and I know it's time to write this. Bear with me as I wander off on a short tangent that will get this story moving.

As many of you know, romance novels are a guilty pleasure of mine. They are a lovely escape and a quick and easy read (as well as highly entertaining) when I need a distraction. Recently, I chose two different novels not realizing the hero/heroine was a young widower/widow. This did not bother me in the least, as I have a number of people I consider friends who have lost a spouse. In one story, I was very disturbed by the portrayal of the widower and his interactions with his family. You see, the hero lost his wife unexpectedly, and after some pre-determined amount of time had passed (say six months or so), the family began to tell him it was time for him to begin to "live again", it was time to "move on". After a year, they were bothered because he was still going to the cemetery to visit his wife and talk to her. They were worried because he "should be moving on".

This really really bothered me for a number of reasons. The first is, quite simply, no one knows when they are ready to "move on" better than the person moving through their grief. NO ONE has the right to tell someone they need to "move on" and start to "live again". It is quite presumptuous to assume you know how someone is feeling better than they do! I understand friends and family are worried, that they want them to find that love again. I understand they ache and don't know what to do to make the situation better, however, I can guarantee saying any of these things to someone who has lost a loved one is NOT the way to "fix" the situation. The truth is, there is no "fix". The only "fix" is for the person to move through their grief and feel they are ready to "move on", and that won't happen a moment before they are ready.

Second, there seems to be some sort of double standard when it comes to grief. Why is it okay for me to be grief-stricken and sad for as long as it takes to move through my grief, but not for a widow/widower, especially a young one? I'm allowed to take as much time as I need, and by God, if I don't feel better by the time people think I should, well, that's still okay. After all, I lost a child, a part of me. So, why is it my friends who have lost the loves of their lives, men who were inarguably a part of them, are not accorded the same courtesy? Why are they expected to turn that love off and find another love? Huh? Does that make sense?

I know there are those who will argue losing a spouse is different from losing a child, and I know that's true. Hannah was a part of me, my heart, my soul, my first born baby, my Monkey. I carried her for nine months under my heart and fell in love the moment I saw the two lines on the stick. I love her with all my heart and all my soul. Brien is my soul mate, my partner, my sounding board, my partner in crime. Parenting decisions are made together, life choices are made together. We cook together, clean together, laze around together. He's my snuggle buddy at night. He is my pillar on this journey through grief, as he is the only other person who loves Hannah they way I do. I can not begin to fathom my life without him. This is not to say I think it would be harder to lose my husband, I don't. Nor am I suggesting it is harder to lose a child--I'm not.

You see, it's not a matter of what is harder. Grief is NOT a contest, it is not measurable. Grief is what it is. You are going to hurt whether you lose a spouse, a parent, a child. How do you quantify grief?? How can I look at another parent who has lost a child and say, "Oh, I obviously loved Hannah more than you loved your child because I'm grieving harder."? What??? Am I in that parent's head and heart? Do I know how they are feeling? NO!

Losing Hannah, is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life. EVER. I would be mad as hell at anyone who was rude enough to ask, "Oh, aren't you past that yet?" or who said, "I think it's time you began to think about moving on."

Please, family and friends, we know you love us. We know you care about us and are worried, and are just trying to do something, anything to make it all better. But, the truth is, you can't. Unless you can perform the miracle of bringing our loved one back to us, there is nothing you can do other than being there and saying, "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Listen. Wait for a response. But please, for heaven's sake, don't tell us we need to "move on".


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Today's Sparklies:

1. Nana sent me this images today. This is a glasswing butterfly and it is gorgeous! Hannah would have LOVED it!


2. Dinner with the girls tonight. :o)
3. I LOVE my job! I LOVE it!
4. Shari's children are feeling better and her older daughter is home from the hospital. Yay! I've been VERY worried about them.
5. NyQuil. Thank goodness fro NyQuil. I'm contemplating that whole Vick's-vap-o-rub-on-the-feet-thing this evening as well.


No milestones today. It was another day spent moving forward.

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I'm ready to begin feeling better any day now. This variation of the cold has been the worst so far. Rest is what I need, so I'm heading to bed. May you all find at least one sparkly tomorrow. :o)

I've Been Tagged

Jessie tagged me. Here are seven random/weird facts about me:
***Edited*** Oops! I forgot to mention Kristi Ann tagged me first and I'm just getting to it. Sorry, Kristi Ann! I had intended to do it and it somehow slipped my mind. :blush:

1. I can't spell to save my life. I taught second grade long enough that I can no longer tell when a word looks "right" or not. :sigh:

2. I LOVE 70's music, disco in particular--what a guilty pleasure. Neil Diamond, the Bee Gees, Hall and Oates, Abba (although I'm working back up to listening to them again). Ahhh

3. I can do this really strange eyeball shivering thing that really freaks people out.

4. I used to win burping contests all the time in middle and high school--against guys. Nope, I'm not a dainty girlie type, I'm afraid.

5. My feet are my thermostat--if they're cool I'm comfortable, if they're hot I'm roasting.

6. I played rugby in college and LOVED it!

7. My favorite pizza is anchovies, onions with extra cheese. Ahhhhhhh.


Hm, I must be really strange because I could keep going. Yikes!

Technically, I'm supposed to tag three others to keep this going. Tell you what, if you feel like playing along, let me know you've done so in the comments. :o)

My Big Girl

Wow, where has the time gone? I was looking at these pictures of Lil, listening and watching her this evening, and realized, she's getting to be such a big girl now! There are fewer and fewer traces of my baby left in this pint-sized package. Sure, she may look as if she's only 18 months (she's not called Little Bit for nothin'), but this little girl is just that, a little girl.

Shari's children are still sick, in fact, her oldest has been hospitalized with walking pneumonia! The doctor told Shari if you lived in Williamsburg and you are ill, if you don't have flu, you have pneumonia. We're quite ill here it seems. Shari was not closed, but neither B nor I wanted to expose Lil to flu (sure, she had a flu shot, but so did over half the people here who have flu!) unnecessarily, so B stayed home with her today and will do so again tomorrow. Thank you, Honey.

I was greeted with a big Lily grin when I arrived home this afternoon, rather like the one up there. :o) I got right to work cleaning and cooking and Lil chattered away at me. I have to laugh, because as Lily speaks, she often adds extra syllables. :oP I think she does this because both B and I speak rapidly and she's trying to emulate us.

She opened the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs this afternoon and called out, "I going upstairs to get Laylen, okay, Mommy?" Huh? That's quite the mouthful Miss Bit had uttered. I realized she's been doing this for quite some time, and in the process of just living life, I had missed it.


I also had not realized just how much older she was looking until I took these photos. As I was organizing them on my computer I had to stop and look again. How did she get so big so quickly? I confess, there have been moments of strife and trial, yet, I've managed to enjoy every stage of Lil's life so far--just as I did with Hannah. She was a delightful infant, and is a charming toddler. Lil is my little imp and even during her tantrums, I love her dearly.


Don't you just love chubby little hands? Those little hands are so busy these days. She was trying to show me she had stamped a flower on the back of her hand. She found one of Hannah's flower stampers and did just what Hannah would have done--stamped her hands over and over again. These little hands are very busy on the arts and crafts front these days. She is learning to cut (why, oh why am I teaching her this? Did I learn nothing from living with the Monk??) with scissors (and doing quite well), loves to color, and has a passion for watercoloring. What kiddo doesn't like to play with colors and water?


Here is another recent creation. I'm delighted she enjoys using her imagination and doesn't always depend upon someone else to keep her entertained. I read a very interesting article at the NPR website the other day. It discusses the importance of "Old-fashioned play" and how children are not required to use their imaginations as much as they used to, among other things. I confess, I'm often worried about the number of noisy toys in our house. You know the ones, those that are supposed to "teach" something but that often cover the material so quickly you are left wondering if your little one caught it. We all want our children to have an advantage and are willing to do just about anything to see that it happens, including buying these toys, letting them play on the computer, letting them watch learning DVDs, etc.

There is nothing wrong with our desire to do this. As parents, we want only the best for our children. Brien and I have made some very conscious decisions about toys and entertainment as pertains to our children. First of all, I love my girls, I love playing with them (I suppose that should be past tense, but, Lil's still present tense so I don't want to write in the past tense...HELP!) and interacting with them. However, I'm not their toy, nor am I there for their personal entertainment at all times. Hannah had to learn to entertain herself (and boy, was she GOOD at it!) and now Lily is learning the same. She's still supervised, I still interact with her with I'm not busy cleaning or cooking, but she's learning to play by herself.

We also feel it's important to interact with the girls in the car. Yes, there were times when we were utterly desperate for Hannah to stop talking for just a few minutes, to allow our ears to stop ringing, but we also loved to chat with her. We loved to sing songs, play silly games and just be with her. If she were watching a DVD, this would not be possible as Han could thoroughly tune someone out when she was engaged with the tv. This isn't to say that I don't see the logic behind having a DVD player in the car for LONG car trips, but for us, anything under six hours means being with your family.

Additionally, we have tried to purchase toys that encourage imaginative play. Han's Groovy Girls (for those of you with three year olds and up, these are INCREDIBLE toys!) and Littlest Pet Shop both provided HOURS of imaginative play for the Monk. Lily is just getting started down this road. She is still young and is figuring things out--for example, did you know you can't pour watercolor water down the "betend" sink in the"betend" kitchen?--but is well on her way with her focus on the creative and using her hands.

Looking back on it, I'm so happy we instilled the sense of independence and family in the Monkey. Sure, she could chatter the ear off a corn stalk, but Han was a happy, sweet, fantastic little girl and so much fun to travel with. I'm grateful for all the time we spent interacting and playing while traveling and I have no regrets about the choices we made. In fact I'm grateful for all the memories I DO have because we chose to be with her in the car.


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Today's Sparklies:

1. This photo:

Woli, thank you for the hours of fun we've had with Lily in this apron and chef's hat. :o)
2. Lil is healthy and happy. Woo hoo!
3. "I wanna use a heart plate, Mommy. See, it's sarklie!" Yes, my love, that plate is sparklie. :o)
4. My sweet honey who took yesterday off to be with his little girl and will do so again tomorrow. You know, with us, it really is the romance of every day, not so much the big gestures. I know he loves me because of the little things. I love you too, Brien!
5. Alton Brown and "Good Eats". That is such an enjoyable cooking show. It's not so much a cooking show with recipes, more, the science behind the recipes. It's pretty darn cool.


Milestones:

I was sitting on the floor in Lily's room this evening and I realized, I don't ache. I don't hurt. I can think of Hannah this evening and smile fondly. It's almost as if I'm remembering some little girl who was somebody else's child and feeling a little sad that she's gone. How bizarre is that? I'm sure it's a self-preservation device, yet, I still worry about this disassociation I'm feeling.

I've given it much thought, and as I said way back in September (or so I think), this grief is two-part. The first is coming to terms with what happened at the beach, the second, learning to live without the Monkey. I'm working on the first. The second is just missing her. I just miss her. I find, most days, I don't ache like I once did. Some days, I find I wonder when those people torturing me will realize the joke is no longer funny and will give Hannah back. I'm ready, you can send her home now.

:sniff: :sniff: :cough: :cough:

Typically on a Sunday afternoon, while Lily is down and out for the count, I'll type my weekend blog post. Well, Lil's down and out, and I'm typing, but I still have a cold and really don't feel like doing much of anything either than lying down, snuggled under a fuzzy blanket. I think the first one I had morphed into the second which has now morphed into a third one. The symptoms of each are slightly different, but all leave me feeling wiped-out.

Lily spent the last two nights in her big-girl bed. Wow! However, unlike her sister, she refuses to stay in bed once she's put there. Ah. Han was such a good girl about that. In fact, I don't think it ever entered her mind to get out of bed without permission. Lily, well, Lil just doesn't care. :oP Therefore, she was up until after 10:00 Friday night and again last night. Now, most people would sleep in to compensate for the later bedtime, but not Miss Lil. Nope. She was up just after 6:30 both mornings. Ugh! Of course, she was up playing beautifully in her room, but once she's awake, I find it impossible to go back to sleep. Yesterday was particularly amusing. I went in to get her--she had played for about 45 minutes (B and I have a theory about kids, if they're happy, don't mess with them) and was ready to go down to breakfast. I entered the room and immediately smelled a dirty diaper. However, there was no diaper on Lily. No pants either for that matter. I began to panic a wee bit because this could have been a VERY bad sign.

It seems, Miss Lily had done her thing, was not comfortable with it in her diaper, took her jams off and put the pants away, took off her diaper and put it in the Genie, used wipes and then went back to playing. I found all evidence supported this conclusion. What a shock for me! This morning, she declared she needed to go potty (Yippee, she's initiating! No, she hasn't actually met with success yet, but it's a start) so maybe potty training is in our future. Keep your fingers crossed.

Meanwhile, we spent yesterday with Troy and Kat. Troy was B's roommate in college and one of his best friends. I adore Troy, and he is, quite frankly, one of the smartest people I know. Kat fit right in when she and Troy got together and I find it hard to remember a time when I didn't know either of them. Kat is like a sister and just wonderful. You may remember I attended her baby shower a few weeks ago. Kat has four weeks of her pregnancy left, and is, quite frankly, rather miserable. Those last four weeks are SO awful! Combine that with the unknown of a new baby (their first!!) and Kat has found the present to be a bit unsettling at times.

So, we loaded ourselves up and headed for Troy and Kat's to play for the day, to provide a distraction, and to reassure. Troy and B bonded over photography and bad movies--"The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" anyone?--while Kat and I made cards and Lil pretended to nap (Lily finally fell asleep around 4:30 or so!). Good friends are so amazing! You can go for days, weeks, months without seeing them and yet, when you do it's as if no time has passed and you slip right back in to your friendship. It's wonderful. :o)

As for today, I'm a groggy and congested, feeling just plain yucky (now that's a descriptive word!). For now, I'm going to lie back and read snuggled under that fuzzy blanket. ;o)

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Thank you, Woli for the brilliant idea of a 3D butterfly effect!


It seems "Embrace Life" has become my new favorite set. I can't seem to get enough of it.


Well, "Embrace Life" and also the flower punch and "In the Spotlight". For some reason both of them are very appealing to me right now.


And, another variation on last week's card. I like it better with the three flowers instead of the ribbon, but the ribbon works. Maybe a wider ribbon next time...


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Sparklies:

1. Our visit with Troy and Kat
2. "Super Mario Brothers 3" arrived for my DS! Robin and I spent HOURS and HOURS playing that game and I find it's still as addictive. ;oP
3. I saw Ella and Gabriel this morning while talking to Jessie. Yay!
4. Paul got some pretty cool new shoes (thanks for taking my advice, Paul). :oP
5. Lil and her little independent self. That kid is SO funny! "I wanna see it! Let me do it!"
6. My Keurig. Ahhhh. There is nothing like a steaming mug of coffee or tea when you're feeling under the weather.

That's all for now. I'll try to add some later this evening...

Quick Gripe

You know how this is the last total lunar eclipse until 2010? You know how I love winter weather more than anything? Well, I'm not loving it so much tonight.

I wanna go out and see that eclipse!! Instead it's sleeting and snowing, and it's guaranteed not to do us any good in the morning. :sigh: So, I miss the beautiful eclipse and don't get to enjoy the fruits of tonight's wintery mix. Grrrrr.

Woah

Wow. I missed a really big milestone yesterday. That, in and of itself is a milestone. You see, yesterday marked the seven-month mark in life without Hannah. Seven months sans monkey hugs, rolling belly laughs, big blue-eyed stares and serious Monkey faces. Seven months without snuggles and cuddles and cold feet attacking my warm thighs as she snuggled with me in the morning. Seven months without diva drama queen fits of pique.

And, I missed it. I let it pass without much thought. Does this mean I'm healing? That I'm not living for each new month to show that I can make it? Does this mean I'm coming to terms with what has happened and that I'm coming to accept that this is now my life? That one more day lived without Hannah, is just that, another day? Honestly, at this point, I just don't know. I was contemplating this while upstairs with Lil this evening. I opened the door to Hannah's room and walked in. I smelled her and her room. It has turned into a heap of items we don't wish to deal with as well as a repository for all things Hannah. This evening was one of those evenings when it didn't hurt. I was with her and it was lovely. I could have sat in there all evening but didn't want Lil dashing in to make her "toy tornado" mess.

Which leads me to yet another problem. I don't want Lil dashing in to make things messier and there are items in there I don't want her to destroy, things Hannah created that are irreplaceable. However, I don't want Lily thinking the room is sacred and that she's never allowed in there--it puts a saintliness on Hannah and her memory that I don't wish to. Hannah was a little girl. A human little girl at that. She had all the foibles and imperfections of any other little girl and I loved her for them. I have no interest in deifying a little girl who was in no way perfect, but who was, in her sweet Shmonkula way, perfect for me. There were times when I wanted to string her from the ceiling by her toes, and yet, I know I wouldn't have changed a thing about her because ultimately, that would have changed the very character of the little Monkey I love so dearly. As I told the Monk so very often, both before and after Lily was born, I will always love her, no matter what. As is true with Brien and Lily, I love Hannah more today than I did yesterday. My love for her will continue to grow as does my love for B and Lil. That is one thing Death can't steal from me.

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Lily and I stayed home today and had such fun. I confess, I only thought about my students once or twice today. Lily and I played with Play Doh as she made a hat for her rocking horse and then a soccer ball and a cookie that very closely resembled a squashed soccer ball. When she brought said Play Doh into the living room, onto the carpet, after she had been reminded not to numerous times, the Play Doh was put away. So, she got out the watercolors and painted. She had a very delicious pb&j sammich for lunch and a fantastic nap which Mommy very rudely interrupted so we could get to school in time for my tutoring session.

Two of my kiddos were awaiting me when Lil and I arrived. I tutored one, the other took a quiz and Lily charmed everyone she came into contact with--go figure. :oP As I was leaving, I ran into Scottie who was out with the extended care kids. Lil and I detoured for a quick howdy, since Scottie had never met Lil. Well, the kids came flocking to visit Lily. :o) They visited and played with her and showered her with love, attention and adoration, all of which Lil absorbs like a little sponge. In fact, when I told her it was time to go she informed me she wasn't ready and needed to play some more--in no uncertain terms! This morning was so grey and ugly we didn't have a chance to play outside, and the kids were eating Lily UP so I let her play with them--no one is better at babysitting than fifth graders, male or female!

Over all, we had a delightful day. Unfortunately, Shari's son is still sick, and her daughter was sent home from school today. Shari thinks she may be coming down with something as well, so daycare is closed for the rest of the week. Any of you all want to volunteer for Friday's shift?? ;oP Brien has tomorrow (unless Pop is available. Unfortunately, Nana is busy tomorrow and Friday and Lissie's swamped as well. :sigh:) and I'll have Friday unless I can sucker, uh, ah, I mean convince someone else they need to. :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Lily's resemblance to Hannah in these pictures is uncanny. I always knew the girls had similarities in appearance, however, in these, I can really see they are siblings.

In this one, she shares mannerisms with her sister. And, I know she doesn't remember much about her big sister other than loving to have someone bigger to look up to and pal around with. I'm not suggesting Lil looks just like Han, only that you can certainly see genetics at work.

And here, she just looks like her big sister. The big eyes, the intent look, the hair swooped to the side. I really do miss Hannah SO much.
2. My day spent with Miss Lily. I had such fun with her, snuggling on the couch, playing, enjoying her. Now, if only she would return to the little girl who would go down without a fight...:sigh:
3. Dani called today and she may be coming to visit within the next couple of weeks. WOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
4. Lil and I had a wonderful time at school this afternoon. My students were such fun to watch with Lily and the weather was perfect for playing outside for about an hour.
5. Staying home with Lily, in spite of the sub plans. :oP
6. I saw a bunch of daffodils about to bloom. While I love autumn above all else, winter and spring have places in my heart as well. Daffodils (of any or all varieties) are without a doubt, one of my all time favorite spring flowers. The sunny yellow faces and the wonderful sweet aroma is so intoxicating. Ahhhhh. The only ones I love more are lilacs.
7. Three days til we go visit the Hunters. Yay!
8. Not having an overwhelming sense of loss and crushing pain in my heart is quite lovely.
9. I'm having dinner with Teresa tomorrow. Woo hoo! There's something so wonderful about spending time with someone who understands, who KNOWS what I'm going through, someone who has been where I am. I HATE that we met under these circumstances, but I am grateful she is in my life.


Milestones:

Not having noted yesterday as a milestone. I'm continuing to heal, I'm continuing to move forward. I'm trying to live a life that honors the Monkey's. I am looking for those sparklies, searching out the wonder in every day. I know I don't grieve like anyone I've ever met. Grieving is a personal, individual process and no two people move through it down the same path. My chosen path is the best way I can cope with such a horrific loss. I have chosen to honor Hannah's memory in a way that celebrates the beautiful, vibrant, spunky, full-of-life spirit she was. At least, the way I think it needs to be celebrated, anyway. I consciously seek out that which glitters and look to make myself more fancy whenever I can. The Monkey was truly on to something with that. On days when I'm feeling rather down, I put on something particularly sparklie and find it honestly makes me feel better. :o)

Now then, I know others don't get what I'm doing. They don't understand how I can grieve this way, but the thing is, I know no other way to do it. I can't imagine doing this any other way. I'm a Pollyanna, I've always been a Pollyanna, I'll always be a Pollyanna. For some unknown reason, I'm still a positive person and I would still call myself happy. I have so much to be thankful/grateful for! I have a husband who loves me, the love of a delightful two-year old, I had almost six years with one of the most enlightened, spiritual beings I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Miss Han taught me more about living life fully, with no regrets, than anyone I've ever met. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful I have a wonderful home, friends and family who love me. I'm thankful for you all who come and read and check on me every day. I'm thankful I have enough money to clothe my child in "Gymber" and can afford organics as I know they are so much better for us. I'm thankful for my job and my coworkers, for my students. I've most definitely had my share of hardship, but honestly, I also live a VERY blessed life, and I'm thankful. Thank you Hannah for teaching me how to live life and love so very fully. :o)

Not Much to Say

I know I already posted photos of Lily painting, but I so enjoyed this photo, the softness of her cheek, the way she's so engrossed in her work, I had to share. With any luck, I'll be taking a few more photos of Miss Lily as she works. You see, tomorrow is my day to stay home with her. Michael is still very ill--his fever dropped to 102 today!--so Lil will be home again tomorrow. I HATE missing work. I hate missing the time with the kids, I hate writing the sub plans, I hate calling for my own sub. However, I am looking forward to time spent with Lil tomorrow. :o) I will however have to go in to work tomorrow afternoon so I can tutor my three little darlings before their social studies quiz Thursday.

We went to dinner with Sarah, Erik and Erin this evening. I had been looking forward to seeing Sarah, Erin and Bridget, but Bridge is sick (feel better soon, Bridgey! I miss you.) so I brought B and Sarah brought Erik and we enjoyed our dinner immensely. The two little girls hadn't seen each other in quite some time and were so funny as they interacted (or, didn't...). After talking at length with Sarah, I'm once again grateful for my current teaching position. The pressure public school teachers are facing is UNREAL! These are some of the hardest working people I know and I can't believe the amount of pressure they are under these days. Thank you, each and every one of you who are out in the trenches of public school, facing all the scrutiny imaginable thanks to NCLB. You are all AMAZING!

For some AWFUL reason, Lil is continuing to awaken in the middle of the night. UGH! She awoke three times last night crying out, 'Mooooooooomy! Mooooooomy!" She eventually settled back down each time without me going in to check on her. This however, didn't stop me from feeling utterly drained this morning. In fact, I'm ready to hit the hay right NOW!

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Today's Sparklies:

1. The following photo of Lil--I love it too. :o)

2. All the wonderful words of kindness and support that have been left for me. Thank you!
3. The children were so excited and enthusiastic today. Yay!
4. "The Great Brain"--one of my all-time favorite children's books! I began reading it to my students today and remembered why I love it so much! :o)
5. Dinner with the Greathice. Wow, I had so MUCH fun!
6. I'm beginning to look into plane tickets to KC to see Jessie and family over Spring Break. Oh, boy am I getting excited!!


No milestones this evening and bed is callin'.

'night

Lily Paints

Santa brought Lily some Crayola watercolors for Christmas. Friday afternoon, Lil found them, and following in her mommy and sister's footsteps, was ready to decorate.



She worked very intently for about 30 minutes(!).


And, here is her finished product. Isn't it beautiful?


Lily has definitely had some practice using her watercolors at this point. This morning, B decided it was okay to let Lily watercolor while he got some breakfast for her. With the island in the way, Bri was unable to see Lily at her small work space. He soon realized she was far too quiet and turned around. He was greeted with this sight:

LOL! Braveheart Lil!! Apparently, Brien asked Lil if she had watercolored her face. She looked him solemnly in the eyes and said, "No-o." Uh huh. So, he took her to the bathroom, showed her her face in the mirror and asked again, "Lily, did you watercolor your face?" "Yetz." LOL! She did a pretty good job, I think. :oP

Lily will be home again tomorrow as two children from her daycare have flu and croup. Wow! Since one of the ill children belongs to Shari, Lily will be home until his fever breaks. Looks like I'll be taking Wednesday off...


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The conference today was lovely. The food for lunch? Not so much. The keynote speaker? Delightful and informative. The luncheon speaker? Divine. Mom's and my presentation? Well done. At least, I think so. :o) I know we had a VERY crowded room and over 79 people in attendance. I can also attest to the fact that about 3/4 of the crowd was actively engaged in my presentation and that I was stopped by a number of people afterward who told me they enjoyed it. I also heard from a couple of Mom's colleague's that a number of their students also enjoyed the presentation. Yay!

Consie Powell, the luncheon speaker, was lovely. She has written and illustrated a number of picture books dedicated to getting children interested in life outdoors. She spoke again and again of the importance of children getting outside and exploring their environment, of allowing children to discover the wonder of the world around them. Hannah was all I could think about throughout her talk. Hannah was the original nature girl. Hannah found wonder in EVERYTHING around her, from the water lilies on the fountain, to the tiny toads found in the yard, to the GIANT leaves found on the walking trail. Hannah loved nature and was, quite frankly, happier outside exploring and finding wonder in the world around her, than in just about anything else. I still have a large collection of "beautiful" rocks, as well as pine cones, and other assorted outdoor items scattered throughout the house, thanks to the Monk's penchant for bringing the outside in.

Although I listened to Bill Bryson's "Neither Here Nor There" (Dani, you really should check out this book, it's all about his explorations of Europe), my heart ached with missing the Monkey today. I found I was continually having to skip back on the CD because my mind was wandering to thoughts of Han and my heart was LONGING to have her with me. For some reason, I keep replaying the 19th over and over again, and I have no idea why. I have begun to play that godawful "what if " game that I know is so unproductive. Okay, no the "what if" game, more, the "why" game. Why did I take her to the beach? Why?

Why? Because she loved the water above all else. She loved to splash and wade and play. She loved to be in the sun and wade up to her knees (as far as she was EVER allowed in the water) and dunk herself under and come back up. Who knew that would be it? Who could have predicted? She was only in water up to her knees. I was in the water with her. Why??

Okay, that's anxiety attack inducing so I need to let it go. No matter how many times I relive that day, the ending is always the same, Hannah is gone. She's gone, and no force on heaven or earth can bring her back to me. I miss her with an intensity I could never have imagined. I fear I will forget the shape and color of her eyes, the tiny moles that were scattered all over her face and body, the sound of her Minnie-Mouse-on-helium voice, her laugh. Oh, God, what if I forget?? How could I ever forget those important details that made my Monkey the special, precious little Diva she was? Yet, I fear it will happen, that one day she will just be gone. The thought, quite frankly, leaves me rather breathless.

And, yet, in spite of all my loneliness and sadness it was a wonderful day. I find these moments of missing Hannah don't eat away at my entire day, as they once did. I'm sure they will again, but I've learned the importance of not borrowing trouble so I will accept today for what it was.

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Today's Sparklies:

1. My mom the international investor. She has found the most wonderful charity and I'm looking into a bit of international donation myself.
2. Getting home to Brien and Lily. Lordy I missed the two of them so much!
3. You should have seen the hot pink house, and the house with royal purple chimneys I passed on my way home today. I swear, I'm going to have to take my camera with me next time...
4. The conference presentation went so well. Yay! :o)
5. "The Antiques Roadshow". I've enjoyed this show for so many years and continue to do so.
6. Presenting with Lissie is always a privilege and pleasure. Thank you, Mom! :o)


Milestones:

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I'm off to bed. I was up late and then awakened by a terribly violent thunderstorm, which of course made me think of Hannah, wishing I had her in the bed snuggling with me as we "sugared" throughout the storm. For those of you not in the know, "sugar" is how the Monkey referred to shivering.

My Latest Creations

So, here are a few of the cards I made this weekend. I'm posting them so Paul can more closely scrutinize them. :oP You can't tell from the photo, but this card (top) was incredibly time-intensive. I cut out and mounted the shrimp, crab and clam. They are pop-ups.




If you look closely at this card's background, you'll see I stamped it with the same flower stamp. The flowers are cut out and mounted to pop up.





This last batch is a variation on a theme. I don't know what possessed me, but I put this card together and fell in LOVE with it. So, I made multiple copies in various colors.





Mom's colleague received one of each of these cards (minus the three up from this one) and seemed to really love them. Hm. I might have to look at starting a little side business... ;oP

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Edited: For those interested:

When I color my images, I decide how intense I want the color. In some instances I'll use the "narkers" (oh, what lovely lovely items those SU! "narkers" are!) if I'm looking for a bold, intense look. If I'm trying for something more subtle, but not layered or multi-colored, I'll use a SU! blender pen, collecting the pigment from the lid of the stamp pad. This is what I did with the blue flowers. To make the darker color on those flowers, I just colored over the area in layers until I achieved my desired intensity.

If I'm trying to achieve a layered, and/or multi-colored look, I'll use either the pastels or the water color pencils. Often, it just depends on my mood. This weekend, I was more interested in the watery look of watercolors and used the blender pens.

I use mostly SU! products but do use some papers from Michael's and ribbons and embellishments from all over. I'm really just a novice at this whole process as of yet. My cousin, Woli (see my sidebar) is the expert, having done this for well over, what, seven years, Woli? I have learned so many techniques from her and there is still SO much more I have to learn. But, thank you ALL for all your kind words about these cards. I truly do find so much pleasure in making them! :o)

Stampin' Away

Mom called me Wednesday evening and asked, "Have I lost my mind, or did we not do the PowerPoint part of the presentation?" PowerPoint? What PowerPoint?!? Holy bejeebers! Even though Joe was visiting, I hauled my tushy to NC yesterday afternoon so Lissie and I could be prepared for our conference presentation tomorrow.

As soon as I arrived we went to dinner at a most delightful restaurant, came home, and immediately began to work on cards. That seems to be one of many bonding activities for us. I'm blessed, you see. Mom has always been and will always be my mom. However, now that I'm an adult, she's also a friend, which is really lovely. Mom has such a funny sense of humor and is truly wonderful to be around. :o) Additionally, we have a common career--education. I can't begin to tell you how delightful it is to be able to call her when I have some sort of teaching difficulty. And, if she doesn't have a ready answer, she has the department of education at her university available. ;o)

This morning, Mom and I had a fantastic breakfast (thank you, Terry, the buffs' eggs were most delicious, as was the sausage!), picked up our hand-outs (no Kinko's black and white for us, thank you very much :oP), came home, put the presentation together in record time, and began to once again make cards. Hee hee! Oh, what a delightful day I've had! I made over 27 cards and Mom made 31. One of Mom's colleagues had asked if I would be interested in making cards to sell to her and I said sure. So, I made a card for her and one for me. She gets a set of ten to choose from, and I have the rest. I'm going to take photos tomorrow night when I get home and post them. I may start a blog dedicated to my creative endeavors, we'll see. I'm quite proud of a number of the cards I made today. Some were incredibly time-consuming, and others a snap. Mom says she likes making cards with me because I come up with such good ideas. Ha! I look at the ones I make and think, "Well, they're okay, I guess. I know ________ (insert chosen name here) could do SO much better." I'm learning to have confidence in my abilities.

Confidence, now that's a funny thing. You see, I am quite confident in my abilities as a teacher. I KNOW I have rigor in my classroom. I KNOW I'm using best-practices, holding my children to high standards of accountability, utilizing technology and so much more. In a word, I KNOW I do a good job (when I sit and reflect on it like this...). I used to lack confidence in my ability to present at conferences. I would do it, I would do it well, but all I could think was, "What teacher in their right mind wants to listen to someone with only 3 years' experience talk about what she does in the classroom?" Now, with almost eight years under my belt, I'm ready to go tomorrow! We're presenting on the use of picture storybooks to teach literary devices to young children, and then, how I have the children take that knowledge and apply it to their own writings. You should SEE what these kiddos have written--it boggles my mind!

In teaching, there is a saying, if you want the children to do something, you model, model, MODEL! (The same principal can be applied to parenting, btw.) I'm applying this same philosophy to the teachers who choose to come and hear Mom and me tomorrow. If I want them to take something away from this conference (and, I always try to give them something they can take back to school and apply), I need to SHOW them how to do it! I'm going to teach these teachers the way I teach my students. I'm even going to have them write! I'm fairly excited at the prospect, I only hope my voice is back full-force tomorrow...

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I've had a very hard time missing the Monkey this weekend. Things that have caused me to miss the Monk:

1. The tulip trees in bloom. We took a photo of Han at Easter next to a tulip tree when she was three, wearing a beautiful little dress and hat.
2. Chou Chou the baby tucked away in the closet in the guest room here at Lissie's. Chou Chou was the only baby Han wanted to play with and she would always get her out when we visited Lissie.
3. Abba on Pandora earlier this evening.
4. Stamping and card making, and knowing how much Hannah would have LOVED it all.
5. Being at Lissie's house. I don't know why, but it has.
6. The can of cocoa Lissie pulled out to make hot fudge this evening. Hannah LOVED chocolate mousse and we made it using cocoa.
7. Lying in my quiet guest room with nothing but my thoughts chasing each other around and around as I relive July 19th over and over again. Yep, that one's a doozy.


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As much as I have enjoyed my visit with Lissie, and really card making is SO much better when you have someone to do it with, I've missed my Lil and her Daddy--a LOT! I had no idea I would miss them so much this weekend, and I'm not sure why I have. I confess I'm not looking forward to the drive home tomorrow evening, nor the fact I have to be ready to fall back on the routine of a work schedule the following day. I'm a little sad at the fact my day off is not to be one, that I'll instead be presenting, packing and driving home. :sigh:

On the bright side, I've had a most delightful, productive, FUN visit with my Lissie Lou, I'll be presenting at a pretty nifty conference, and I get to drive home listening to Bill Bryson. The man is ridiculously funny and tongue-in-cheek a la a fantastic British sense of humor, and he reads his own audio books. He is originally from Iowa, but has lived in Britain so long he's acquired a strange sort of British accent. Additionally, it's always delightful when an author reads their own work because they most definitely know how it was meant to be read and interpreted. :oP

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Weekend Sparklies:

1. Lissie!
2. Delicious food all weekend long. From a filet cooked medium rare at the restaurant last night, to the Florimonte's desserts, to the fantastic breakfasts and lunches Lissie cooked, to the outrageous homemade brownie sundaes we had for :ahem: dinner, the food this weekend has been outstanding!
3. Bill Bryson's "Notes From a Small Island". I've really enjoyed it and look forward to the next book in the car.
4. In spite of the twinges of pain they brought, the memories of Hannah have been fun. :o) We always enjoy reminiscing about what a delightful, funny, spunky, sparkly little diva she was.
5. Did I mention the homemade brownie sundaes with homemade hot fudge sauce? ;o)
6. The cards. Oh boy, have they been FUN! Woli, thank you for all you have done in leading my down this path of self-expression and creativity!
7. A bed to myself. No dogs, no husband, no child. Just me. I slept in until 9:00 this morning!! Holy cow!
8. Jessie posted new pictures of the kids on her blog, and they are so beautiful. I miss her during the week these days as she is giving up computer time for lent as well.


Milestones:
I would say those listed above in the ways I miss my dear, sweet, Monkey-mine.

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Keep your fingers crossed for us tomorrow!

BIG Sparklies :o)

Linda, lovely lovely Linda shipped Lily and me a package that arrived Wednesday. Inside were two beautifully wrapped packages which Lil was more than happy to help tear into--IMMEDIATELY! :oP


The giant pencil intrigued her immensely and as you can see, she very quickly put it to good use. :o)



The tongue is out. :o)


Hee hee! :o)

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Later that evening, I was still feeling rather ill so I decided to brew a quick cup of tea. Lily decided she needed "coffee" as well. I brewed her a cup of hot chocolate which thrilled her no end.

It was hot so she was blowing on it.


Mm. Good! :o)


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Today was Retreat at work. The kids went home at 12:00 and the teachers got together for two hours for some re-centering around Christ. It is so fascinating to me that we can do this, having come from a public school. It was a very thought provoking session as forgiveness was mentioned. I have contemplated this at length, and the thing is, forgiveness is honestly quite difficult. I know so many people who nurture their grudges and anger--it gives them something to hold onto, something tangible when nothing else makes sense in a world turned topsy turvy.

However, for healing to happen, there has to be forgiveness. In my case, I have to forgive myself. For the most part, I have. Really. I realize I haven't done so as completely as I need to but I feel I've made progress.

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In other news, Joe is here for a quick visit and then I'm off to NC for my presentation Monday. It's going to be a busy BUSY weekend!

Today's Sparklies:

1. These sock monkey slippers arrived with the pencil. Thank you, Linda! You REALLY brightened our day! :o)

2. Lil and I were reading an alphabet book this afternoon and she looked at the book and said, "Dere's a 'B'! Oh, dere's anudder 'B'!" This, combined with her identification of numbers and colors and shapes has me convinced she has quite the memory. She can id a number of upper case letter correctly, oddly enough. I had assumed they would all be "B", and they aren't! Thank you, Shari! :o)

3. Retreat.

4. Lil slept through the night again last night. Ahhhhhh...

5. My new Dan Gibson CD's are lovely background music during the day.

6. Joe's here. :o)

7. It's FRIDAY!!!!!!


Milestones:

I made it through Valentine's Day, and I believe many of my friends have as well. Thank goodness. I sometimes feel as if I have some sort of mental checklist that I can tick-off. "Oh, we got through _______. Check!" It's often just the act of getting through it as much as the sense of accomplishment for having come through yet another milestone. Does that make sense?

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I head to NC either tomorrow afternoon/evening or Sunday since Lissie and I have a conference presentation to do Monday. My kiddos are pretty excited--so much so the little girls selected my outfit for me. :oP

I don't know if I'll be on before I get home Monday evening. Thank you all for everything and enjoy your weekend! :o)